


Team Voltron: a group chat

by AstridsAntics (Castielwinchestar)



Series: 7 Phone Numbers and the Losers Behind Them [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack Fic, Everyone Is Gay, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Gay, I'm gay for shiro, Lance (Voltron) is a Dork, M/M, No Plot, Nonbinary Pidge | Katie Holt, Not for Innocent Eyes, Space Dad Shiro (Voltron), Space Sokka, Texting, Underage Drinking, Voltron, coran never charges his phone, dat booty tho, dont judge, drunk!shiro, gays! in space, green paladin, i cuss in every other sentence, idk man, keith is han solo, keiths mullet, klance, lance is a walking problem, lance is leia, literally everyone is gay for shiro, lmao i can't tag for shit, lots of swearing, no really, nonbinary pidge, or am i straight for shiro, pal-a-dins, pidge swears like a sailor, rover - Freeform, shallura - Freeform, shiro has a nice ass, shiro is everyone's dad, spacedad, this is basically crack, voltron is a robot, whatsoever, who gives a fuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2017-02-11
Packaged: 2018-07-28 14:31:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 23,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7644637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Castielwinchestar/pseuds/AstridsAntics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is absolute trash with a kinda-sorta plot it's so much fun and I'm basically writing my interpretation of the entire Voltron Team on crack so please read this I promise you won't be disappointed <3</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The One Where We Trademark Shiro

**Author's Note:**

> okay so basically this is just me wanting to do a texting fic and being obsessed with voltron so the love child of that. also this is complete trash I'm so sorry. enjoy :'D

 

**Group Chat >> Team Voltron**

**Sir Lancelot >> Hunkydory, Manic Coranic, SpaceDad, Pidgeotto, Memellura, Firelord Keith**

**Sir Lancelot:** GUYS! IM!! SCREWED!!!

**Pidgeotto:** care to elaborate??

**Sir Lancelot:** PIDGE

**Sir Lancelot:** MY VERY SHORT LORD AND SAVIOUR

**Hunkydory:** Lance u ok..?

**Pidgeotto:** wow thanks

**Sir Lancelot:** I NEED YOUR HELP PRONTO !!!!!!!!!

**Pidgeotto:** oh great what did you do tHIS time

**Sir Lancelot:** I am personally offended that you are accusing me of doing something wrong then of me asking you to save my divine ass from the consequences

**Pidgeotto:** Well yeah that’s usually how it goes

**Firelord Keith:** divine?? Honey I don’t think so

**Sir Lancelot:** oh Keith, so nice of u to join us, now if u could pLEASE stop being a sarcastic can of diet dr.pepper and focus ur attention on ME AND MY PROBLEMOS

**Firelord Keith:** excuse u I am a cherry Coca-Cola who tf drinks diet dr.pepper -.-

**SpaceDad:** Lance just tell us why you texted all of us in the first place

**Pidgeotto:** DAD

**Hunkydory:** DAD

**Firelord Keith:** SPACE DAD™ HAS ARRIVED IT’S A PARTY \o/

**Sir Lancelot** : RIGHT MY ISSUE THANKS SPACE DAD™

**Space Dad:** why is my screenname trademarked???

**Sir Lancelot:** OKAY SO ITS NOT WHAT I DID ITS KINDA THE OPPOSITE

**Hunkydory:** *suspenseful music plays in the background* it’s what you *whips off sunglasses* diDN’T DO  B)

**Pidgeotto:** dun duN DUUUNNNNN

**Sir Lancelot:** guyyysssss this is seerioouusss :(((

**Sir Lancelot:** and It’s not necessarily my fault this time???? I think????

**Hunkydory:** spit it ouutt

**Pidgeotto:** I s2g Lance if you don’t tell us what you did right fucking now im leaving

**Space Dad:** LANGUAGE

**Pidgeotto:** sorry dad

**Sir Lancelot:** OKAY OKAY

**Sir Lancelot:** k so me and Coran were at a bar a couple nights ago and we were kinda drunk off our asses and anyways Coran challenged me to a flirting contest and whoever got a number first wins and apparently I won

**Memellura:** you and coran did wHAT???!!!?!? 

**Hunkydory:** oh hey Allura where’ve you been

**Memellura:** Ive been here the whole time I just didn’t see the point in participating

**Firelord Keith:** wow.

**Sir Lancelot:** rude.

**Space Dad:** where’s Coran???

**Memellura:** with me. his phone’s dead. He says hi

**Pidgeotto:** HI CORAN 

**Hunkydory:** HI CORAN

**Sir Lancelot:** HI CORAN 

**Firelord Keith:** HI CORAN

**Memellura sent a photo:** Coransayshi.jpg

**Pidgeotto:** holy shit Lance you have two seconds or Im not helping you

**Sir Lancelot:** I GOT THE GIRLS NUMBER AND SHE’S CALLED ME HALF A DOZEN TIMES ALREADY BECAUSE SHE WAS APPARENTLY SOBER AND REMEMBERS THIS AND IS CALLING ME HER BOYFRIEND AND SHE WANTS TO GO ON A COFFEE DATE like i mean I'm flattered but no thank you

**Sir Lancelot:** like 1) a coffee date how fucking cliché is this bitch and 2) I NEED TO GET RID OF HER I CANNOT BE DATING THIS FEMALE 

**Hunkydory:** o shet :o

**Firelord Keith:** this is fucking HILARIOUS IM WHEEZHIGN

**Space Dad:** CHILDREN. LANGUAGE.

**Hunkydory:** I spelled my profanity wrong it doesn’t count

**Firelord Keith:** sorry dad ;-;

**Firelord Keith:** hunk that is nOT how this works

**Pidgeotto:** srry lance ur screwed

**Memellura:** lance we have literally no way of helping you out of this one

**Sir Lancelot:** well

**Sir Lancelot:** uh

**Sir Lancelot:** I just texted her back  >.<

**Sir Lancelot:** and I told her that I had a boyfriend and that the entire thing was a mistake

**Pidgeotto:** YOU DID NOT HAHAHAHAHA IM DYING OMFG

**Hunkydory:** I CAN HEAR YOU CACKLING FROM THE LIVING ROOM U OK BUDDY

**Sir Lancelot:** u guys are home??? Well shit be there in 10

**Space Dad:** CHILDREN YOU ARE CHILDREN NOT SAILORS WATCH UR FILTHY ASS MOUTHS 

**Pidgeotto:** OOOOOOOHHHH SPACE DAD™ SAID A NAUGHTY WORD :O

**Memellura:** That Just Happened™

**Hunkydory:** SHIRO HAS A POTTY MOUTH SHIRO HAS A POTTY MOUTH

**Firelord Keith:** how did I let you people befriend me I blame shiro

**Space Dad:** it seems to be the new trend

**Space Dad:** srsly guys whats up with the trademarking

**Sir Lancelot:** GUYS IM HERE AND IM QUEER :D

**Sir Lancelot:** UNLOCK THE DOOR I FORGOT MY KEY :(

**Hunkydory:** I gotchu bro™

**Space Dad:** HUNK NOT YOU TOO 

**Sir Lancelot:** okay me pidge and hunk r gonna solve my problem via irl we’ll fill u losers in later™

**Memellura:** sounds like a plan my pan lance man™

**Firelord Keith:** oh my god™

**Space Dad:** you're all dead to me -.-

 


	2. The One Where Keith Gets Dragged Into This Mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Firelord Keith: the last time you texted me outside of a group chat was because you were embarrassed that you got lost in Sears and I found you hiding in a clothing rack
> 
> Sir Lancelot: to be fair sears is really big and it was right before finals week so I was pretty much running off of caffeine and nightmares at that point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god???? i wasn't actually expecting people to read this how did this happen??? anyways I'm inspired so

**Sir Lancelot >> Firelord Keith**

 

 **Sir Lancelot:** ayee baby bottle pop how u doin boi?

 **Firelord Keith:** um

 **Firelord Keith:** Lance you ok there buddy

 **Sir Lancelot:** not really sure rn???? Will have to wait and see

 **Firelord Keith:** um okay

 **Sir Lancelot:** so me and the dynamic duo made a plan to get rid of crazy lady irl (I think her name’s Laila)

 **Sir Lancelot:** and it kinda involves you

 **Firelord Keith:** wait what

 **Firelord Keith:** goddamnit lance I knew smt was up you never just text me to text me

 **Firelord Keith:** the last time you texted me outside of a group chat was because you were embarrassed that you got lost in Sears and I found you hiding in a clothing rack

 **Sir Lancelot:** to be fair sears is really big and it was right before finals week so I was pretty much running off of caffeine and nightmares at that point

 **Sir Lancelot:** okay but back to the plan

 **Firelord Keith:** yes I’d very much like to know what it is that you three are trying to drag me into

 **Sir Lancelot:** I need you to be my boyfriend. Don’t get too excited

 **Firelord Keith:** ur fucking shitting me right. RIGHT  >:(

 **Sir Lancelot:** nope, I shit you not.

 **Sir Lancelot:** and yeah okay I know it sounds crazy but hear me out okay so I agreed to a coffee date with her as friends and it works out perfectly because you already work at a coffee shop and I could just ‘flirt’ with you there and introduce you to her and that’s that

 **Firelord Keith:** this is a horrible idea

 **Sir Lancelot:** it was Pidge’s idea

 **Firelord Keith:** so many things are most definitely going to go wrong

 **Sir Lancelot:** probably.

 **Sir Lancelot:** ur shift starts at 3 right??? I’ll see u at 3:30 make sure ur at the counter

 **Firelord Keith:** I didn’t agree to anything? Ur insane if u think im going through with this

 **Sir Lancelot:** u just did ;)

 **Firelord Keith:** I hate you

 **Sir Lancelot:** luv u 2 boo save me a croissant  <3

 

 

\--------------------------

 

 

**Group Chat >> Lowkey tryna make klance happen**

**Pidgeotto >> Memellura, Space Dad, Hunkydory, Manic Coranic**

 

 **Pidgeotto:** OH MY GOSD GUYS

 **Pidgeotto:** I AM THE MOTHERFUCKING BEST

 **Hunkydory:** can’t disagree with you there shortstack

 **Pidgeotto:** your short jokes cant bring me down from this kind of high  >:)

 **Memellura:** it is literally 5 am???? What the fuck???

 **Pidgeotto:** IT IS 5 AM AND I AM PROUD

 **Space Dad:** why are you proud? What DID YOU DO

 **Pidgeotto:** did you turds even read the name of the chat you are typing in

 **Memellura:** uh, no, because it is 5 in the GODDAMN MORNING I DON’T HAVE A CLASS UNTIL 10

 **Memellura:** does that say klance

 **Manic Coranic:** okay Allura shrieked and now im awake what’s up

 **Memellura:** AS IN!!!! THE OTP WE!! CREATED!!!\ BECAUSE PERFECTION?/!!!

 **Pidgeotto:** sure does

 **Memellura:** I want details. NOW.

 **Pidgeotto:** so we made the plan to get rid of the girl who wants to date Lance and basically I just told Lance to make Keith his fake boyfriend and I guess Lance was desperate enough to go for it

 **Pidgeotto:** he just told me that he’s meeting keith at the coffee shop at 3:30 tomorrow ;)

 **Memellura:** u kno what that means

 **Space Dad:** what does that mean

 **Memellura:** >;)

 **Space Dad:** ALLURA WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT ARE YOU PLOTTING

 **Pidgeotto:** we know where they’re gonna be, we know what time they’re gonna b there, we’ve literally been shipping these two gay fucks for the last year

 **Memellura:** Pidge u wanna go on a spy date with me

 **Pidgeotto:** DO I EVER

 **Space Dad:** GUYS N.O

 **Space Dad:** not w/o adult supervision ;)

 **Pidgeotto:** O SHET

 **Memellura:** DOES THIS MEAN WHAT I THINK IT MEANS

 **Pidgeotto:** DAD UR THE BEST™

 **Space Dad:** i thOUGHT WE WERE OVR THE TRADEMARKING ASGJDLK GODDAMMIT CHILDREN

 **Hunkydory:** oh hey guys I dozed off what’d I miss

 **Manic Coranic:** I don’t??? really know??

 

 


	3. The One Where Allura and Pidge are Sneaky Spy Kids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memellura: u won’t even ditch class to spy on two of ur bestest friends in the entire universe
> 
>  
> 
> Space Dad: you’re implying that me not spying on my friends is a bad thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pEOPLE ARE STILL READING THIS MY DEARIES ARE YOU AWARE THAT I AM A LOSER also this one's a bit shorter and i wrote it at 1 am so enjoy??? i guess???

**Group chat >> going spy kids on the gaybies asses**

**Space Dad >> Memellura, Pidgeotto**

 

 **Space Dad:** guys

 **Space Dad:** guys I’m so sorry

 **Space Dad:** don’t cry but

 **Space Dad:** I can’t spy with you

 **Memellura:** I KNOW YOU SAID DON’T CRY BUT THIS IS A CRY WORTHY MOMENT

 **Pidgeotto:** WHY NOT WHAT HAPPENED

 **Space Dad:** I forgot that I have a lecture at 3

 **Memellura:** NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 **Pidgeotto:** bitch get over yourself and your education ditch it

 **Space Dad:** pidge No I will not ditch class i pAY FOR THAT

 **Space Dad:** and LAN GU AG E  MY GOODNESS

 **Memellura:** u won’t even ditch class to spy on two of ur bestest friends in the entire universe

 **Space Dad:** you’re implying that me not spying on my friends is a bad thing

 **Space Dad:** just take pictures or videos or whatever and send them to me

 **Pidgeotto:** you will be with us in spirit while we snapchat you pictures of the OTP, most likely taken from behind a trashcan or under a table. :')

 **Memellura:** just know that we’ll be having waaayyyyyyy more fun than yooouuuuu

 **Space Dad:** ;-;

 **Memellura:** get in loser we’re going spying™

 **Pidgeotto:** may the gay be with you™

 **Memellura:** you’re gonna need a bigger boat™

 **Memellura:** hah get it because we’re SHIPPING THEM HAHAH A

 **Space Dad:** No GUYS C’MON I SAID I WAS SORRY THAT I COULDN’T GO

 **Space Dad:** WHY DO YOU INSIST ON THE TRADEMARKING

 **Space Dad:** YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A PATENT FOR THOSE LINES

 **Memellura:** geT REKT BOI

 **Pidgeotto:** That Just Happened™

 **Memellura:** I literally used that in the group chat yesterday wtf

 **Pidgeotto:** you also used literally a few times more than socially acceptable, but im willing to let these things slide

 **Space Dad:** oh hell no I am not getting into the middle of another one of these

**Space Dad has left the conversation.**

**Pidgeotto:** what

 **Memellura:** what

 

 

 ------------------------------

 

 

**Firelord Keith >> Sir Lancelot**

 

 **Firelord Keith:** hey asshat I grabbed you your croissant

 **Sir Lancelot:** OHMYGODD REALLY I DIDN’T THINK YOU WOULD BEST FAKE BOYFRIEND EVER

 **Sir Lancelot:** I’ll be there in 5. Game faces on

 **Firelord Keith:** I think u mean flirty faces ;3

 **Sir Lancelot:** oh. Right :/

 **Firelord Keith:** the plan is already crashing and burning we aren’t gonna make it why the hell did I let you talk me into doing this

 **Sir Lancelot:** because u luv me  <3

 **Firelord Keith:** whatever helps u sleep at night  </3

 **Sir Lancelot:** :’D

 

 

\------------------------------

 

**Group Chat >> going spy kids on the gaybies asses 2.0**

**Pidgeotto >> Memellura, Space Dad, Hunkydory, Manic Coranic**

 

 **Pidgeotto:** ME AND ALLURA ARE ALMOST AT THE COFFEE SHOP ARE YOU LOSERS READY TO SEE SOME FAKE BOYFRIENDS BE AWKWARD OR WHAT

 **Hunkydory:** always ready to see lance make a fool out of himself

 **Memellura:** don’t bash lance when he isn’t here it’s mean

 **Hunkydory:** ;-;

 **Manic Coranic:** okay this is the second group chat without keith and lance in it???

 **Pidgeotto:** look at the (perfect) convo name

 **Manic Coranic:** gotchu

 **Space Dad:** okay 1) ayee that was totally my name for our last group text and 2) excuse u I am in a lecture please do not do this to me guys c’mon

 **Memellura:** just put the chat on donut (ha) disturb then go through the messages later u overly responsible turd muffin

 **Space Dad:** :( whatever fine

 


	4. The One Where Klance is Practically Canon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space Dad: he’s practically my little brother I cannot believe I just read that
> 
> Space Dad has left the conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so there is a line in this chapter that is definitely not for innocent eyes to read. don't say i didn't warn u.

**Group Chat >> going spy kids on the gaybies asses 2.0**

**Pidgeotto >> Memellura, Space Dad, Hunkydory, Manic Coranic**

 

 **Pidgeotto:** okay guys we’re here

 **Pidgeotto:** Lance and public enemy #1 just walked in

 **Hunkydory:** geez pidge her name is LAILA BE NICE

 **Memellura:** there’s nobody in line aND keith is at the counter this worked out well

 **Pidgeotto:** OHMYGOSBJDW

 **Pidgeotto:** ALLURA DID U JUST SEE THAT

 **Memellura:** HOLY FUCKBALLS COVERED IN GLITTERY GRAVY

 **Memellura:** YOU BET UR ASS I JUST SAW THAT I GOT A FUCKIGN PICTURE

 **Memellura:** gayerthandoublerainbows.jpg

 **Pidgeotto:** HELL YEAH YOU DID

 **Hunkydory:** GUYS WHAT HAPPENED I FEEL LEFT OUT

 **Manic Coranic:** WHY ARE WE ALL SHOUTING

 **Pidgeotto:** LANCE WALKED UP TO THE COUNTER AND INTRODUCED KEITH TO PUBLIC ENEMY #1 AS HIS BF THEN KEITH GOES AND PULLS OUT A MOTHERFUCKIGN CROISSANT

 **Memellura:** HE. GAVE. THE. CROISSANT. TO. LANCE. AND. LANCE!! LEANED OVER THE COUNTER!!!! AND KISSED KEITH ON THE CHEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **Manic Coranic:** the otp is practically canon holy shit

 **Space Dad:** I FORGOT TO PUT IT ON DO NOT DISTURBDFH

 **Space Dad:** I GOT DIS TRACTE D WITH THE LECTURE

 **Space Dad:** holy fUCKVF

**Space Dad has left the conversation.**

**Memellura has added Space Dad to the conversation.**

**Memellura:** i got another photo

 **Memellura:** klanceisCANON.jpg

 **Hunkydory:** oh my god look at keith this is so cutE

 **Pidgeotto:** keith is tomato

 **Pidgeotto:** okay wow these boys are smooth I didn’t think this would work out

 **Pidgeotto:** lance just looked at keith and said “u know what asshole I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn’t take it away every time I saw you”

 **Memellura:** and instead of getting all stammery and flustered KEITH SMIRKED AT LANCE AND THE LITTLE FUCKER U KNO WHAT HE SAID

 **Memellura:** he said “if it’s that easy to make you gasp I wonder how easy it’d be to make you scream”

 **Memellura:** he SAID THAT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE

 **Pidgeotto:** NOW THEY ARE BOTH TOMATOS IM SENDING A PICTURE

 **Pidgeotto:** THIS IS MORE ENTERTAINING THAN A DRUNK SHIRO

 **Pidgeotto:** maybegaybies.jpg

 **Hunkydory:** oh my god who knew keith had it in him holy shiittt

 **Manic Coranic:** these boys know no shame

 **Space Dad:** oh my god

 **Space Dad:** he’s practically my little brother I cannot believe I just read that

**Space Dad has left the conversation.**

**Memellura:** o shet

 **Pidgeotto:** when u forget that keith and shiro have known each other since highschool

 **Hunkydory:** #whoops

 **Manic Coranic:** I think that we should let him stay out of the chat this time

 **Memellura:** agreed

 

 

\------------------------------ 

 

 

**Firelord Keith >> Sir Lancelot**

 

 **Firelord Keith:** how’s the not-a-date coffee date going

 **Sir Lancelot:** all she wants to talk about is u. how I met u, how long we’ve been ‘dating’ stupid shit like that

 **Sir Lancelot:** she wants u to come sit with us

 **Firelord Keith:** im kinda working

 **Firelord Keith:** because I need to make money to pay for rent and food

 **Sir Lancelot:** plllleeeasssseeeee

 **Firelord Keith:** …………

 **Firelord Keith:** gimme a minute

 **Sir Lancelot:** <3

 

 

\------------------------------

 

 

**Group Chat >> going spy kids on the gaybies asses 2.0**

**Pidgeotto >> Memellura, Space Dad, Hunkydory, Manic Coranic**

**Pidgeotto:** ohmygoosh keith is walking over to their table

 **Memellura:** HE SAT DOWN AND PUT HIS ARM AROUND LANCE

 **Memellura:** WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE

 **Pidgeotto:** I GOT PICTURES

 **Pidgeotto:** forBlackmailingpurposesofcourse.jpg

 **Hunkydory:** beautiful

 **Hunkydory:** I get out of class in 2 mins I am literally going straight to the library and printing seven copies of each photo

 **Memellura:** why seven?

 **Hunkydory:** one copy for all of us then two to give to them on Christmas  >:)

 **Manic Coranic:** that is pure evil genius right there bow doWN

 **Pidgeotto:** WAIT I NEED TO GET MORE PICTURES LANCE IS LEANIG ON KEITH

 **Pidgeotto:** IM GONNA DIE

 **Pidgeotto:** klanceislove.jpg

 **Pidgeotto:** klanceislyfee.jpg

 **Pidgeotto:** i literally had to take these from behind a trashcan #howdidmylifecometothis

 **Memellura:** the boys are redder than keiths jacket

 **Memellura:** I think they kinda forgot that public enemy #1 is still there

 **Pidgeotto:** public enemy #1 just got up and left

 **Pidgeotto:** SHE LITERALLY JUST GOT UP AND WALKED OUT THE MOTHERFUCKIGN DOOR

 **Pidgeotto:** nobody can convince me that she wouldn't have put breadsticks in he purse if there were breadsticks because she would have totally shoved breadsticks in her purse and walked out the door

 **Manic Coranic:** #savage as fUCK

 **Memellura:** IM WHEEZHIGN THEY DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE

 **Hunkydory:** well at least Lance’s problem is solved and done with

 **Pidgeotto:** literallysogaywtf.jpg

 **Pidgeotto:** thepiningisstrongwiththesetwo.jpg

 **Hunkydory:** hey im out of class heading to the library rn are these all the pics u want

 **Pidgeotto:** yeah they just realized that she’s gone and she aint comin back

 **Memellura:** those two split apart faster than lance can rap in Spanish

 **Memellura:** OH MY GOSD PIDGE GOT A VIDEO OF IT

 **Memellura:** #RIP ME #LAYMETOREST

 **Manic Coranic:** #thereAintNoRestForTheWicked

 **Memellura:** rood

**Pidgeotto has sent a video.**

**Pidgeotto:** you're welcome you shameless fucks.


	5. The One Where Shiro is Everybody's Dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space Dad: do u want it to be a date
> 
> Sir Lancelot: …
> 
> Sir Lancelot: yeah, i think i do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lool another daateee but this one is #fo.real. and also aannnggsssstttt i love shiro being everybody's dad and this fic is getting such positive feedback thanks guys

**Group chat >> there is something deeply wrong with me**

**Firelord Keith >> Space Dad, Memellura**

 

 **Firelord Keith:** mom, dad

 **Firelord Keith:** I, want to die

 **Space Dad:** how’d the date go

 **Firelord Keith:** horribly??? Amazing???

 **Firelord Keith:** I mean HE KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK

 **Firelord Keith:** WHO DOES THAT PLATONICALLY

 **Memellura:** I do it all the time to u guys

 **Space Dad:** allura that is completely different

 **Memellura:** how??

 **Space Dad:** keith wasn’t pretending to date you

 **Space Dad:** keith doesn’t have a crush on you

 **Firelord Keith:** keith is regretting setting up this chat

 **Firelord Keith:** guys I need major help

 **Memellura:** just tell him how you feel

 **Firelord Keith:** the guys hates me? I don’t see that going over well like at all

 **Space Dad:** like you said, nobody kisses people on the cheek platonically

 **Firelord Keith:** just bury me in my sins

 **Memellura:** THAT’S WHAT WE’RE TRYING TO DO

 **Space Dad:** oh my god

 

  

\--------------------------------  

 

 

**Group Chat >> my mental stability has gone into the negatives**

**Sir Lancelot >> Space Dad, Hunkydory, Pidgeotto**

 

 **Sir Lancelot:** HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM

 **Sir Lancelot:** HOUSTON WE HAVE A MAJOR FUCKING PRO B LEM

 **Hunkydory:** again?

 **Pidgeotto:** there’s always something

 **Space Dad:** what’s wrong?

 **Sir Lancelot:** I think

 **Sir Lancelot:** I think im attracted to keith

 **Pidgeotto:** no shit Sherlock

 **Hunkydory:** you’re just figuring this out now?????

 **Sir Lancelot:** WHAT

 **Sir Lancelot:** HOW

 **Space Dad:** lance why is being attracted to keith a problem

 **Sir Lancelot:** shiro don’t be dense

 **Sir Lancelot:** the mullet man is my RIVAL

 **Sir Lancelot:** I CANT BE ATTRACTED TO MY RI V AL THAT ISNT HOW THIS WORKS

 **Space Dad:** …

 **Space Dad:** lance I need you to tell keith that you like him

 **Space Dad:** or I need you to start treating him as your friend, because that’s what you are

 **Space Dad:** keith is not your rival

 **Pidgeotto:** O SHET PARENTAL SCOLDING

 **Hunkydory:** POINT SPACE DAD™

 **Sir Lancelot:** fine dad I’ll be nicer to keith

 **Space Dad:** good.

 

 

\--------------------------------  

 

 

**Sir Lancelot >> Firelord Keith**

**Sir Lancelot:** im picking you up at 8 don’t eat dinner

 **Firelord Keith:** excuse u???

 **Sir Lancelot:** We’re going to see that new star trek movie

 **Firelord Keith:** um no I never consented to this

 **Firelord Keith:** and what if I have plans tonight u don’t know

 **Sir Lancelot:** I know for a fact that you have no plans for tonight other than going with me to see the new star trek movie

 **Sir Lancelot:** and don’t worry about bringing money I gotchu covered

 **Firelord Keith:** I don’t know what ur up to but Im getting a free movie and snacks im down

 **Sir Lancelot:** great!!! :D see u tonigghttt

 

 

 -------------------------------- 

 

 

**Firelord Keith >> Space Dad**

 

 **Firelord Keith:** IM??? FREAKING OUR RN????

 **Firelord Keith:** HE’S PAYING

 **Firelord Keith:** DID YOU SAY SOMETHING TO LANCE

 **Space Dad:** I hav no idea what ur talking about???

 **Firelord Keith:** I, apparently, am going to see star trek tonight??? With lance??? And he’s paying????

 **Firelord Keith:** what did you say to him????

 **Space Dad:** I didn’t say anything but that sounds like a daaatee

 **Firelord Keith:** like hell you didn’t say anything

 **Space Dad:** congratulations :D

 **Firelord Keith:** ur not off the hook but I have a class

 **Firelord Keith:** I wiLL find out what you did THIS ISNT OVER

 **Space Dad:** have fun tonight ;)

 **Firelord Keith:** :// I have mixed emotions about this

 

 

\------------------------------ 

 

 

**Space Dad >> Sir Lancelot**

 

 **Space Dad:** I said be nicer to him not to ask him out on a date

 **Sir Lancelot:** so keith told u, I see

 **Sir Lancelot:** and tomato tomahto

 **Space Dad:** so it is a date??

 **Sir Lancelot:** I don’t know??? I think so???

 **Space Dad:** do u want it to be a date

 **Sir Lancelot:** …

 **Sir Lancelot:** yeah, i think i do


	6. The One Where Lance is WHIPPED AF

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sir Lancelot: it doesn’t have to be a date if you don’t want it to be a date
> 
> Firelord Keith: no fuck off it’s a date
> 
> lol basically their entire relationship in two sentences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING PLEASE READ: SPOILER BELOW FOR STAR TREK BEYOND DO NOT PROCEED UNLESS YOU HAVE SEEN THE MOVIE OR DONT CARE ABOUT SPOILERS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. also i just want to say thank you so much this fic hasn't even been up an entire 24 hours and it already has 500+ hits like whhhaaaattttt you guys are awesome :3 and i can do a background summary if you guys want but if not then meh??? enjoy!!!! comments and kudos are 50000% appreciated!!! <3

**Sir Lancelot >> Firelord Keith**

 

 **Sir Lancelot:** bitch it is 7:55 you and your cringey mullet better be ready to leave

 **Sir Lancelot:** I am literally WALKING UP THE STEPS TO YOUR APARTMENT

 **Sir Lancelot:** if you aren’t ready by the time I ring your motherfucking doorbell im leaving and taking Pidge instead

 **Firelord Keith:** shut the fuck up im ready and I do nOT HAVE A MULLET MY HAIR IS NOT CRINGEY

 **Firelord Keith:** I’ve been waiting for like 10 mins

 **Firelord Keith:** do u want me to meet u outside

 **Sir Lancelot:** NO

 **Sir Lancelot:** STAY PUT DON’T MEET ME

 **Firelord Keith:** um???? Why not???

 **Sir Lancelot:** ITS NOT ROMANTIC IF YOU MEET ME OUTSIDE

 **Firelord Keith:** HOLY FUCKING SHIT MUFFINS LANCE

 **Firelord Keith:** YOU ASSHOLE THIS IS A DATE??!!

 **Sir Lancelot:** uh

 **Firelord Keith:** I fucking hate you

 **Sir Lancelot:** if it helps I didn’t decide that it was a date until like half an hour ago when I was driving down here

 **Sir Lancelot:** it doesn’t have to be a date if you don’t want it to be a date

 **Firelord Keith:** no fuck off it’s a date

 **Sir Lancelot:** ;3 k cool

 **Sir Lancelot:** I’m here

 **Firelord Keith:** and we’re queer

 

 

\------------------------------ 

 

 

**Space Dad >> Memellura**

 

 **Space Dad:** ITS FINALLY HAPPENING OUR CHILDREN ARE FINALLY GOING ON A DATE

 **Memellura:** O SHET NO WAY

 **Space Dad:** WAY

 **Space Dad:** don’t tell the others yet let the boys figure themselves out first

 **Memellura:** :(( ok

 **Memellura:** but I want details asap

 **Space Dad:** I’ll be at your place in 5

 

 

\------------------------------

 

 

**Group Chat >> You didn’t hear it from me**

**Memellura >> Pidgeotto, Hunkydory, Manic Coranic**

 

 **Memellura:** Lance finally asked Keith out

 **Memellura:** they’re watching the new star trek rn

 **Pidgeotto:** NO. FUCKING. WAY

 **Hunkydory:** HOW THE HELL DID THIS ESCALATE SO QUICKLY

 **Manic Coranic:** that was a joke right

 **Manic Coranic:** these two have been tiptoeing around each other since Shiro introduced them

 **Memellura:** seriously im so glad that they’re finally acknowledging their feelings for each other

 **Pidgeotto:** lol from fake boyfriends to space boyfriends in the span of a few days

 **Hunkydory:** space boyfriends?

 **Pidgeotto:** yeah because we’re all in the manned-spaceflight/ astronomy program

 **Memellura:** that’s why shiro is space dad

 **Manic Coranic:** and ive mentioned a few times that lance is space sokka and keith is space zuko

 **Pidgeotto:** coran not everybody here is obsessed with avatar: the last airbender

 **Hunkydory:** excuse u that is my childhood

 **Memellura:** ANYWAYS

 **Memellura:** YOU DIDN’T HEAR ABOUT THE DATE FROM ME

 **Memellura:** DON’T TELL SHIRO THAT I TOLD YOU

**Memellura has left the conversation.**

**Hunkydory:** she does realize that shiro knows all and will figure out that allura told us about lance and keith right

 **Pidgeotto:** no I think she still has hope in her eyes

 **Hunkydory:** oh ok

 

 

\------------------------------

 

 

**Pidgeotto >> Sir Lancelot**

 

 **Pidgeotto:** so lance, ol buddy ol pal

 **Pidgeotto:** how was the movie

 **Sir Lancelot:** um

 **Sir Lancelot:** what movie

 **Pidgeotto:** STAR TREK YOU EGG

 **Sir Lancelot:** oh

 **Sir Lancelot:** it was good

 **Pidgeotto:** that’s all you have to say about it

 **Pidgeotto:** “it was good”

 **Pidgeotto:** how much of the movie did you actually watch

 **Sir Lancelot:** uh. All of it?

 **Pidgeotto:** stop lying TO ME I KNOW YOU WENT WITH KIETH

 **Sir Lancelot:** HOW DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT THAT

 **Pidgeotto:** dude be straight with me are you two dating now

 **Sir Lancelot:** oh my dearest pidgey, nothing about me is straight

 **Pidgeotto:** you know what I mean

 **Pidgeotto:** AND I EVOLVED FROM A PIDGEY LAST SEMESTER WHEN I WENT THROUGH A GROWTH SPURT YOU DUMB FUCK

 **Sir Lancelot:** ur still 2 feet shorter than me so you’ll always be my pidgey

 **Pidgeotto:** I hate u

 **Pidgeotto:** but seriousily is klance canon

 **Sir Lancelot:** Klance?? Really??

 **Sir Lancelot:** I don’t think I can call him my boyfriend (yet) but the date went well ;)

 **Pidgeotto:** which translates to you two sitting in the back of the theatre mackin’ on each other’s face while Chris Pine blows up an entire fleet of ships with the Beastie Boys

 **Sir Lancelot:** I will neither confirm nor deny that those were the events that occurred in the back of the theatre on my date with keith

 **Pidgeotto:** translation- you guys were totally mouth fucking to the beastie boys

 **Sir Lancelot:** yeah pretty much

 **Sir Lancelot:** for future reference--does this mean that I can talk to you about keith now

 **Pidgeotto:** if you didn’t already talk to me about him ALL THE FUCKIGN TIME I would say absolutely not but I’ve been putting up with it for two years now so yeah ok

 **Sir Lancelot:** I do NOT talk about keith or his stupid mullet or his goddamn eyes all the time

 **Pidgeotto:** we are literally talking about keith and his “stupid mullet and his goddamn eyes” right fucking now, lance

 **Sir Lancelot:** shit

 **Pidgeotto:** boi u r sooo wHIPPED

 

 

 

 


	7. The One Where Lance is Prince Charming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Firelord Keith: guys he’s holding me fucking bridal style
> 
> Firelord Keith: sincewhendoeslancehavemuscles.jpg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH OMG THIS IS GETTING SUCH POSITIVE FEEDBACK I LOVE ALL OF YOU ALSO I NEED SOMEONE WHO CAN TRANSLATE SPANISH TO HELP ME WITH THE NEXT CHAPTER I SPEAK FRENCH NOT SPANISH  
> also also: i have chapter 8 completely written out ill post it as soon as i can

**Group Chat >> Moths are the spawns of satan**

**Firelord Keith >> Sir Lancelot, Space Dad, Memellura, Pidgeotto, Hunkydory, Manic Coranic**

**Firelord Keith** : I just fell off of my kitchen table shooting at a moth with a nerf gun

 **Pidgeotto:** that was wild from start to finish

 **Hunkydory:** did you get the moth

 **Sir Lancelot:** hoLY FUCK YOU MORON ARE YOU OK

 **Firelord Keith:** glad someone IS CONCERNED ABOUT MY WELLBEING

 **Firelord Keith:** and NO GODDAMNIT I MISSED IT

 **Sir Lancelot:** Mr. Sharpshooter MISSED wow what a turn of events

 **Firelord Keith:** FUCK OFF I WAS FALLING OFF A TABLE

 **Firelord Keith:** okay so I may or may not have just thrown the nerf gun at the moth

 **Firelord Keith:** and I may or may not have hit the moth (victory) but lost my nerf gun on top of the cabinets

 **Sir Lancelot:** ur a fucking dork

 **Space Dad:** don’t you dare try to get the nerf gun

 **Firelord Keith:** imma try to get the nerf gun

 **Memellura:** oh my god

 **Memellura:** THE DAY HAS FINALLY COME

 **Memellura:** A DIRECT ORDER FROM TAKASHI SHIROGANE HAS BEEN OUTRIGHT IGNORED

 **Sir Lancelot:** SPACE DAD™ O SHIT SHE BROUGHT OUT THE FULL NAME

 **Space Dad:** oh my god guys really???? You had to bring my name AND the trademarking thing into this???

 **Manic Coranic:** what about both ;)

 **Memellura:** I like the way you think™

 **Space Dad:** don’t you dare do it

 **Pidgeotto:** Takashi Shirogane™

 **Hunkydory:** OOOOHHHHHH PIDGE YOU JUST WENT THERE

 **Space Dad:** oh pidge you wanna play the name game

 **Sir Lancelot:** oh shit he’s gonna do it

 **Hunkydory:** SHIRO THIS IS DANGEROUS TERRITORY

 **Manic Coranic:** SWIM AWAY SWIM AWAY

 **Pidgeotto:** bring it on old man™ I haven’t gone by that name in YEARS

 **Space Dad:** I AM FOUR YEARS OLDER THAN YOU WHO ARE YOU CALLING OLD MAN

 **Space Dad:** THAT’S IT KATIE HOLT YOU’RE GROUNDED

 **Hunkydory:** OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 **Memellura:** O SHET HE WENT THERE™

**Pidgeotto has left the conversation.**

**Space Dad:** uh oh did I take it too far?

 **Hunkydory:** no pidge’s just being dramatic as ever I can hear them cackling in the next room

**Hunkydory has added Pidgeotto to the conversation.**

**Firelord Keith:** uh guys

 **Firelord Keith:** so I got up onto the counter and am currently standing on the counter

 **Hunkydory:** did you get the nerf gun

 **Firelord Keith:** uh, no, actually im

 **Firelord Keith:** im too short I can’t reach it  >:(

 **Sir Lancelot:** O SHIT NO FUCKING WAY

 **Sir Lancelot:** PURE FUCKING COMEDY GOLD IM CHOKNIG HAHAHAA

 **Firelord Keith:** shut up

 **Firelord Keith:** shit guys I don’t think I can get down without breaking something

 **Firelord Keith:** um help?

 **Sir Lancelot:** HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 **Sir Lancelot:** okay but seriously im outside ur apartment

 **Pidgeotto:** um???? Lance why???

 **Space Dad:** lance were you texting and driving is2g

 **Sir Lancelot:** im going to choose to ignore that second question

 **Sir Lancelot:** and pidge you literally watched me get in my car and leave as soon as I read that keith had fallen off his fuckivng table shooting foam darts at a moth

 **Memellura:** that’s really cute

 **Manic Coranic:** LANCE GO TO KEITH BE HIS PRINCE CHARMING

 **Pidgeotto:** coran I swear half the things that you say are references to cartoons

 **Manic Coranic:** there is nothing wrong with letting my inner child shine

 **Firelord Keith:** spare key’s under the mat

 **Firelord Keith:** pls save me

 **Sir Lancelot:** guys I hav a pic of keith stranded on his kitchen counter

 **Sir Lancelot:** lookatthisloser.jpg

 **Space Dad:** be careful guys we don’t need any hospital visits

 **Sir Lancelot:** KEITH IS IN MY ARMS AND SAFE FROM MOTHS AND COUNTERS

 **Firelord Keith:** guys he’s holding me fucking bridal style

 **Firelord Keith:** sincewhendoeslancehavemuscles.jpg

 **Memellura:** AWWWEEEEEEEEE OTP OTP

 **Hunkydory:** oh my god that’s almost as cute as the other ones

 **Pidgeotto:** HUNK YOU IDIOT

 **Sir Lancelot:** what other ones???

 **Firelord Keith:** what are you guys talking about???

**Hunkydory has left the conversation.**

**Pidgeotto has left the conversation.**

Memellura: I don’t know anything about anything

**Memellura has left the conversation.**

**Sir Lancelot:** what is happening

 **Manic Coranic:** wouldn’t you like to know ;)

 **Firelord Keith:** WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT

 **Firelord Keith:** CORAN DON’T YOU LEAVE

 **Firelord Keith:** HOE DON’T YOU FUCKING DO IT

 **Firelord Keith:** CORAN

 **Firelord Keith:** CORAN??

**Manic Coranic has removed Firelord Keith and Sir Lancelot from the conversation.**

**Manic Coranic:** whew that was close

 **Space Dad:** tell me about it

 


	8. The One Where the OTP is fINALLY Canon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space Dad: whoops I meant prosthetic
> 
> Memellura: im deleting this entire conversation
> 
> um there is literally no plot line to this story anymore whatsoever this chapter is all over the place and it gets really sad then it gets not sad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the last text convo is actually taken from a conversation i've had with my friends and i just thought that it would be perfect for this because of shiro's arm so there's that. seriously if anyone is fluent or learning spanish i need help save me and kudos and comments are appreciated thanks guys!!! if you feel like giving me ideas you can put it in the comments or message my tumblr at http://shadowblood-hill.tumblr.com ignore the name i made it in the way back when

**Group Chat >> I fucked up I done fucked this shit UP**

**Firelord Keith >> Sir Lancelot, Space Dad, Memellura, Pidgeotto, Hunkydory, Manic Coranic**

 

 **Firelord Keith:** oh my god guys I feel so bad lance just showed up at my door in a shirt that says “boyfriend material”

 **Firelord Keith:** I told him that it looked a bit clingy and just

 **Firelord Keith:** shut the door in his face

 **Memellura:** oh my god keith you monster

 **Sir Lancelot:** you do realize that im in this chat right

 **Firelord Keith:** yes I want u to know how bad I feel and WHERE ARE YOU COME BACK

 **Firelord Keith:** I LITERALLY SWUNG THE DOOR OPEN TWO SECONDS AFTER I CLOSED IT AND YOU WERE FUCKING GONE YOU JEAN-CLAD NINJA

 **Sir Lancelot:** I may have totally bolted to the staircase you hurt my feelings man

 **Sir Lancelot:** I mean that was some funny shit and you closed the door in my face

 **Firelord Keith:** I know im sorry I want to be your boyfriend come back

 **Pidgeotto:** HOLY FUCKV YOU GUYS ARE NOT GOING TO DO THIS OVER TEXT

 **Hunkydory:** ESPECIALLY NOT OVER A GROUP CHAT

 **Memellura:** NO SHUT UP THIS IS SO CUTE PLEASE CONTINUE

 **Sir Lancelot:** …

 **Firelord Keith:** please

 **Sir Lancelot:** fucking of course im coming back you dipstick let me walk up the stairs in peace

 **Firelord Keith:** <3

 

 

\------------------------------

 

**Group Chat >> pidge is a drunk mess**

**Space Dad >> Memellura, Firelord Keith, Sir Lancelot, Hunkydory, Manic Coranic**

 

 **Space Dad:** hello

 **Memellura:** it’s me

 **Hunkydory:** ayyyyyyeeeeeee

 **Space Dad:** godfuckivngdamnit allura

 **Hunkydory:** WOAH THERE SPACE DAD CALM UR PROSTHETIC ARM THE FUCK DOWN

 **Sir Lancelot:** guys im the best boyfriend ever guess who has their nerf gun back

 **Firelord Keith:** he literally brought his nerf gun and shot mine off the cabinets with one dart and the dart fell too what is this sorcery

 **Manic Coranic:** GUYS THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU’VE SAID THAT UR BOYFRIENDS

 **Manic Coranic:** SPACE BOYFRIENDS IS REAL

 **Sir Lancelot:** space boyfriends?

 **Firelord Keith:** ssshhhh I like the way it sounds don’t ruin that for me

 **Space Dad:** oh my god

 **Space Dad:** anyways children I was the one that texted YOU I need your help

 **Space Dad:** pidge is drunk off their ASS and talking about fucking a robot

 **Hunkydory:** what

 **Memellura:** the

 **Firelord Keith:** fuck

 **Sir Lancelot:** that was absolutely beautiful I have a tear in my eye

 **Space Dad:** like the mechanics of it and how everything would work and this is in very elaborate detail and they’ve obviously thought of this before but pidge is my child I do not want to hear this

 **Hunkydory:** lol shiro don’t worry Space Dad™ im on my way home rn

 **Space Dad:** oh thank god

 **Space Dad:** they’RE TALKING ABOUT PUTTING HUMAN FLESH ON THE ROBOT PLEASE HURRY

 **Memellura:** oh my

 

 

\------------------------------

 

 

**Group Chat >> Keith is a smol child**

**Sir Lancelot >> Firelord Keith, Memellura, Pidgeotto, Space Dad, Hunkydory, Manic Coranic**

 

 **Sir Lancelot:** okay but rn guys I'm just very pleased by the fact that I'm taller than keith

 **Firelord Keith:** BY LIKE ONE INCH FUCK YOU

 **Sir Lancelot:** eh maybe later

 **Pidgeotto:** OOOOOO SHET WHADDUP

**Space Dad has left the conversation.**

**Firelord Keith:** oh good job look at what you did

**Firelord Keith has added Space Dad to the conversation**

**Space Dad:** im not allowed to leave this hell hole am i

 **Hunkydory:** nah

 **Sir Lancelot:** I bet if keith didn’t have that mullet I’d be even taller than him

 **Sir Lancelot:** maybe I should shave it off while he’s asleep

 **Sir Lancelot:** keith just kicked me out of his apartment and the spare key is no longer under the mat

 **Sir Lancelot:** what a horrible boyfriend

 **Pidgeotto:** you were literally just talking about shaving his head when he fell asleep

 **Firelord Keith:** he’s banging on my door

 **Firelord Keith:** he just screamed “ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY LOCK THEIR BOYFRIEND OUT”

 **Firelord Keith:** I can already see the complaints rolling in

 **Hunkydory:** let the poor man in he’s shouting memes at you

 **Memellura:** that’s true love if I’ve ever seen it

 **Space Dad:** allura you are literally a walking meme

 **Space Dad:** it is literally in your screenname

 **Pidgeotto:** yeah allura you’re meme trash

 **Memellura:** don’t hate the player hate the game

 **Sir Lancelot:** keith still hasn’t let me back in

 **Firelord Keith:** im waiting for an apology

 **Sir Lancelot:** FOR WHAT WHAT DID I DO

 **Sir Lancelot:** personally I think you owe me an apology for locking me out but whatever let me back in and I’ll call it even

 **Firelord Keith:** fine

 **Manic Coranic:** you guys are all assholes

 

 

\------------------------------

 

 

**Space Dad >> Memellura**

 

 **Space Dad:** does it ever worry you when Keith calls us mom and dad

 **Memellura:** uh, no???

 **Space Dad:** I mean, I know that he does it jokingly, the entire group calls us mom and dad, it’s our ongoing inside joke

 **Space Dad:** but I just

 **Space Dad:** Keith never had someone to call mom and dad

 **Memellura:** because he was raised with foster families

 **Space Dad:** yeah

 **Memellura:** which means that we’re part of the first group of people that he feels is a constant in his life, he’s comfortable around us to give us the names of the people he never had before now

 **Memellura:** oh my god this just got really deep and philosophical FIX IT FIX IT

 **Space Dad:** egg

 **Memellura:** same

 

 

\------------------------------

 

 

**Group Chat >> Lance is secretly a neat freak**

**Hunkydory >> Pidgeotto, Space Dad, Manic Coranic, Memellura**

 

 **Hunkydory:** uh oh

 **Hunkydory:** I think that lance and keith just had their first fight

 **Manic Coranic:** already????

 **Pidgeotto:** yeah lance is hardcore cussing keith out in Spanish rn

 **Pidgeotto:** he’s stress cleaning the condo it’s gonna be fucking spotless by the time he’s done

 **Memellura:** oh no how’s Keith holding up

 **Hunkydory:** uuuhhhhh

 **Hunkydory:** shit we’ve been really preoccupied with Lance

 **Memellura:** SHIRO WHERE ARE YOU KEITH NEEDS CONSOLATION

 **Space Dad:** im already in the car

 **Hunkydory:** oh thank god

 **Manic Coranic:** do u guys know what they’re fighting about

 **Pidgeotto:** Lance refuses to say and I can’t guess anything I mean it’s only been two weeks

 **Space Dad:** oh shit not good

 **Hunkydory:** DAD STOP TEXTING AND DRIVING

 **Space Dad:** I AM CONCERNED FOR THE WELLBEING ON MY CHILDREN LEAVE ME ALONE

 **Manic Coranic:** shiro buddy how’s ur arm doin with all this stress

 **Space Dad:** very protestic

 **Pidgeotto:** HOW THE FUCK IS IT PROTESTING IT’S gOne

 **Hunkydory:** HAHAHAHAA O MY GOD PIDGE

 **Space Dad:** whoops I meant prosthetic

 **Memellura:** im deleting this entire conversation


	9. The One Where Keith Chokes on all the Gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sir Lancelot: that’s it im breaking up with you
> 
> Firelord Keith: long live the king

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um wowowoow people are still reading this tysm my frens please leave kudos and comments i love you all :3

**Sir Lancelot >> Space Dad**

 

 **Sir Lancelot:** aye pidge and hunk told me that ur heading over to keiths

 **Space Dad:** yeah I’m parking now

 **Sir Lancelot:** I don’t wanna text him yet tell him that he’s still a major asshat thanks

 **Space Dad:** I still have no idea what happened???

 **Space Dad:** I can’t pass messages along if I don’t know why im passing messages along

 **Sir Lancelot:** that’s fair, but I’ll let keith dish out the details to you

 **Space Dad:** k cool don’t stress clean too much and drink water in between shouting about your boyfriend in Spanish

 **Sir Lancelot:** oh my god ur such a DAD

 

 

\------------------------------

 

 

**Firelord Keith >> Sir Lancelot**

 

 **Firelord Keith:** so Shiro just left my place after an hour of grueling into me about how first fights are basically checkpoints in a relationship and I shit you not I started building a wall between us out of mac and cheese boxes he didn’t even notice until he asked for my opinion

 **Sir Lancelot:** im still not talking to you -.-

 **Firelord Keith:** you’re talking to me rn

 **Sir Lancelot:** well now im super-officially not talking to you starting right this VERY SECOND

 **Firelord Keith:** lance you actual fucking walnut stop acting like you’re five fucking years old

 **Firelord Keith:** you’re really this mad at me just because I wouldn’t let you sleep over on thursday

 **Sir Lancelot:** UM YES

 **Sir Lancelot:** IT WAS OUR FIRST TIME GODDAMNIT

 **Sir Lancelot:** WE ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WE ARE THE SPACE BOYFRIENDS I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO SLEEP OVER AFTER THAT

 **Sir Lancelot:** BUT YOU!!!!! KICKED ME OUT!!! YOU SON OF A BITCH

 **Firelord Keith:** I thought you weren’t talking to me

 **Sir Lancelot:** Fuck. You.

 **Firelord Keith** : already. did.

 **Sir Lancelot:** THAT’S EXACTLY MY GODDAMN ISSUE

 **Sir Lancelot:** I WANTED TO SLEEP OVER YOU HURT MY FUCKING FEELINGS MAN

 **Firelord Keith:** I apparently tend to do that a lot

 **Firelord Keith:** and stop acting like a victim you lil shit u know why you couldn’t sleep over

 **Sir Lancelot:** just because you had an exam at seven and I had a dentist appointment at 7:45 gave you no right to kick me out after out FIRST TIME so that we could both “get a decent night’s sleep”

 **Firelord Keith:** honey bunches and oats if you slept over neither of us would’ve gotten any sleep

 **Firelord Keith:** we would’ve either ended up passed out at some shanty ass bar at 3 am or having a fucking intense lightsaber battle in my kitchen while star wars v plays in the backround also at 3 am there is no inbetween

 **Sir Lancelot:** can I just say I absolutely adore the fact that your boyfriend sleeping over doesn’t mean more sex, no, it means fucking star wars marathons and a night on the town

 **Firelord Keith:** fuck yeah

 **Firelord Keith:** so r u still mad at me or r u just being a dramatic drama llama

 **Sir Lancelot:** it’s reALLY hard to be mad at you when you would rather be a total fucking dork with me and sacrifice the sanctity of your kitchen to a deadly battle of plastic glow rods than have (pretty fucking great) sex with your incredibly gorgeous boyfriend

 **Sir Lancelot:** you’re too goddamn cute it pisses me off also STOP MAKING GOOD POINTS AND BEING ABLE TO DO EVERYTHING PERFECTLY THAT PISSES ME OFF TOO

 **Firelord Keith:** I could do that, OR I could just annoy you forever

 **Firelord Keith:** I mean, isn’t that what good boyfriends are for? :D

 **Sir Lancelot:** that’s it im breaking up with you

 **Firelord Keith:** long live the king

 

 

\-----------------------------

 

 (this chat takes place like a week after the first two)

**Group Chat >> Keith has officially clocked out of sanity**

**Sir Lancelot >> Space Dad, Memellura, Firelord Keith, Pidgeotto, Hunkydory, Manic Coranic**

 

 **Sir Lancelot:** u know that awkward thing when you accidentally make eye contact with someone when you're doing something that is considered "sexual" then you just wink at them because it's awkward and you don't know what to do

 **Pidgeotto:** um

 **Pidgeotto:** lance no i dont know that awkward thing what the fuck do you mean by sexual

 **Sir Lancelot:** EW NO I DIDNT MEAN IT LIKE THAT

 **Sir Lancelot:** I MEANT LIKE LICKING SALT OR FOOD OFF YOUR FINGERS OR APPLYING CHAPSTICK OR EATING A STRAWBERRY OR SOMETHING

 **Pidgeotto:** OH 

 **Hunkydory:** pidge oh my god get your mind out of the fucking gutter

 **Space Dad:** language children

 **Space Dad:** we really need to work on the overly excessive amount of profanities that leave your mouths

 **Memellura:** nah that sounds like a goddamn waste of my fucking time

 **Memellura:** calm ur tits our personalities are just really damn colourful shiro holy shit okay stop being a motherfucking pussy about it you overrated asshole 

 **Space Dad:** ALLURA

 **Space Dad:** HOW DID YOU EVEN FITS SO MANY SWEARS IN ONE SENTENCE LOWKEY IMPRESSED BUT STILL

 **Space Dad:** yall need to watch ur mouths or im comin at u with a bar of soap

 **Sir Lancelot:** wow rude

 **Sir Lancelot:** anyways guys i just did that to keith i think i broke him

 **Pidgeotto:** pics or it didnt happen

 **Sir Lancelot:** ibrokemyboyfren.jpg

 **Pidgeotto:** HAHAHA OHMYGOD HE'S JUST LYING ON THE FLOOR HIS FACE IS SO RED IM FUCKING CHOKING

 **Sir Lancelot:** so is keith

 **Hunkydory:** what were you doing that was sexy tho

 **Sir Lancelot:** i dont wanna say

 **Memellura:** well now you have to tell us

 **Manic Coranic:** does he tho

 **Space Dad:** yeah im not sure i want to hear this

 **Pidgeotto:** lance tell us

 **Pidgeotto:** or im tossing your naruto body pillow into the lake

 **Sir Lancelot:** ILL TELL ILL TELL JUST DONT HURT MY PILLOW

 **Sir Lancelot:** i might have been

 **Sir Lancelot:** uhh

 **Sir Lancelot:** eating a cherry popsicle

 **Space Dad:** i definitely do NOT want to hear this

 **Pidgeotto:** yeah well i definitely DO and im the one with a pillow hostage so fuck off dad

 **Sir Lancelot:** i was just watching anime and eating my popsicle and i was sucking on it because it's fun to watch the ice turn from coloured to white

 **Sir Lancelot:** and keith walked in and i made eye contact with him out of reflex and i popped the popsicle out of my mouth and he was all blushy then i winked because im a fucking idiot and now he's on the floor choking

 **Sir Lancelot:** the end

 **Hunkydory:** of keith it sounds like

 **Memellura:** that's the best fucking thing i've heard all week

 **Sir Lancelot:** oh wait guys he’s getting up

 **Sir Lancelot:** HE JUST LEFT WE ARE IN HIS APARTMENT HE JUST GOT UP AND FUCKING WALKED OUT THE FRONT DOOR BEET RED AND COUGHING

 **Sir Lancelot:** KEITH COME BACK WHERE ARE YOU GOING

 **Sir Lancelot:** nvm guys it’s okay he’s back

 **Pidgeotto:** lance you need help

 **Space Dad:** I think we aLL need help


	10. The One Where Shiro is All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space Mom: yall are all fuckers
> 
> Psychic Pidgeon: spoken like a true space mom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are you guys still enjoying this?? i mean, I'm still having fun writing it, but me liking it and you liking it are two completely different things. i think. leave comments and kudos!! they make my day, seriously :3 enjoy this absolute shitstorm of a chapter :D

**Group Chat >> It’s Practically Christmas**

**Memellura >> Space Dad, Manic Coranic, Pidgeotto, Firelord Keith, Sir Lancelot, Hunkydory**

 

**Memellura:** GUY S HALLOWEEN IS IN EXACTLY TWO WEEKS AND THREE DAYS

**Manic Coranic:** U KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS

**Memellura:** HALLOWEEN SCREENNAMES FUCK YEAH

**Manic Coranic:** HALLOWEEN CANDY WILL BE ON SALE IN TWO WEEKS AND FOUR DAYS HELLS YES

**Memellura:** oh

**Pidgeotto:** you two were definitely not on the same choo-choo train of thought good fucking job guys

**Hunkydory:** youtried.jpg

**Space Dad:** hunk that is literally just a picture of a gold star with the words “you tried” poorly photoshopped onto it

**Sir Lancelot:** it’s like a participation award but sadder

**Memellura:** HALLOWEEN SCREENNAMES WHO’S GOING FIRST U LIL FUCKERS

**Pidgeotto:** me

**Pidgeotto has changed their screenname to Space Dad.**

**Firelord Keith:** what the actual fuck pidge

**Space Dad:** oh geez now I have to change mine.

**Space Dad has changed their screenname to (actually) Space Dad.**

**Sir Lancelot:** PIDGE YOU GENIUS I KNOW WHAT UR DOING

**Sir Lancelot has changed their screenname to Space Dad.**

**Hunkydory:** im confused but im gonna go with it

**Hunkydory has changed their screenname to Space Dad.**

**Memellura has changed their screenname to Space Dad.**

**Manic Coranic:** wait I thought we were all doing real Halloween screennames like Corantine (haha get it because it sounds like quarantine)

**Space Dad:** there is no “other screennames” there is only shiro™

**Space Dad:** SPACE DAD™

**Space Dad:** SPACE DAD™

**Space Dad:** SPACE DAD™

**Space Dad:** SPACE DAD™

**Firelord Keith:** seriously guys what the fuck

**(actually) Space Dad:** how do things like this even happen

**Space Dad:** JOIN US, CORAN AND KEITH, AND OPEN YOUR EYES TO OUR BEAUTIFUL CULT/URE THAT IS THE SPACE FATHER, THE SHIRO

**Space Dad:** ONE OF US™

**Space Dad:** ONE OF US™

**Space Dad:** ONE OF US™

**Space Dad:** ONE OF US™

**Manic Coranic has changed their screenname to Space Dad.**

**Space Dad:** ONE OF US™

**(actually) Space Dad:** CORAN NOT YOU TOO

**Space Dad:** JOIN US KEITH JOIN THE SPACE DAD CULT™ U KNO U WANNNAAA

**Firelord Keith:** I hate you all

**Space Dad:** u know u love me ;)

**Firelord Keith:** LANCE IS THAT YOU

**Firelord Keith:** YOU LITTLE SHIT

**(actually) Space Dad:** im disowning all of you the metaphorical adoption papers have been revoked

 

 

\-----------------------------

 

 

**Group Chat >> IT’S (almost) HALLOWEEN MOTHERFUCKERS**

**Space Dad >> (actually) Space Dad, Firelord Keith, Space Dad, Space Dad, Space Dad, Space Dad**

 

**Space Dad:** okay but seriously Halloween screennames is a good idea let’s do it fo real

**Space Dad:** I’m down

**Space Dad has changed their screenname to Psychic Pidgeon.**

**Space Dad:** oooooohh nice pidge

**Space Dad:** but lemme just one up you here

**Space Dad has changed their screenname to Aqua Lance.**

**Psychic Pidgeon:** o shet that is good

**Aqua Lance:** told u ;3

**Firelord Keith:** uhhhhh

**Firelord Keith:** guys im not that creative I can’t think of anything

**Aqua Lance:** what about Killjoy Keith

**Aqua Lance:** or Major Fucking Dork

**Aqua Lance:** Emo for Beebo

**Aqua Lance:** Still Stuck In 2005

**Firelord Keith:** why are we dating again??

**Aqua Lance:** I HAVE ONE MORE THEN IM DONE I PROMISE

**Firelord Keith:** no

**Psychic Pidgeon:** absolutely

**Aqua Lance:** The Mystery Mullet Man

**Firelord Keith:** you sir, are an asshole

**Aqua Lance:** love you too boo  <3

**Space Dad:** well shit I think that one wins

**Space Dad has changed their screenname to Space Mom.**

**Aqua Lance:** wow allura that’s SOO creative

**Space Mom:** well shiro can’t be space dad until after Halloween and somEBODY needs to be the space parent around here

**Firelord Keith:** i… guess?

**Aqua Lance:** yeah I don’t think that’s how things work but I suppose I can let it slide for the sake of Halloween

**Space Mom:** yall are all fuckers

**Psychic Pidgeon:** spoken like a true space mom

**(actually) Space Dad:** wait why can’t I be space dad

**Firelord Keith:** because allura’s a tyrant princess and she wants us to have Halloween screennames

**Aqua Lance:** basically

**Aqua Lance:** Keith change your name

**Firelord Keith:** fine

**Firelord Keith has changed their screenname to The Better Half of Klance.**

**Aqua Lance:** HEY RUDE YOU UNWORTHY BASTARD

**The Better Half of Klance:** you wanted me to change my screenname so I did.

**The Better Half of Klance:** Get. Over. It.

**Aqua Lance:** :(

**The Better Half of Klance:** also im at ur front door i left my astrology textbook here

**Aqua Lance:** I’ll let pidge get the door  >:(

**Psychic Pidgeon:** wow okay gimme a minute

**Space Dad:** oh hey guys are we changing our names again

**Space Mom:** yeah make it halloweenie

**Aqua Lance:** haha you said weenie

**Space Dad has changed their screenname to Hop Skip and a Hunk.**

**Space Mom:** nice

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** OH MY GOD PIDGE LET KEITH IN AND LANCE FUCKING JUMPED HIM AND GRABBED HIS PHONE

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** KEITH IS CHASING HIM AROUND THE CONDO I THINK THEY JUST BROKE SOMETHING I HEARD A NOISE

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** PIDGE IS SCREAMING AT LANCE TO RUN FASTER

**(actually) Space Dad:** oh no what on earth is lance up to now

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** LANCE JUST FUCKING LOCKED HIMSELF IN THE BATHROOM WITH BOTH HIS PHONE AND KEITHS PHONE WHAT THE FUCK LANCE

**Psychic Pidgeon:** ;)

**The Better Half of Klance has changed their screenname to Mystery Mullet Man.**

**Space Mom:** oh thank god I thought lance was going to do something indecent with keith’s phone but that’s actually really innocent and cute okay

**(actually) Space Dad:** for the first time EVER I think you and me had the same train of thought

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** LANCE JUST SHOUTED AT KEITH “IF YOU LOVE ME YOU WONT MURDER ME WHEN I OPEN THE DOOR”

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** KEITH REPLIED “IF YOU’RE SMART YOU WONT OPEN THE DOOR”

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** I think these two were made for each other

**Psychic Pidgeon:** I think I agree with that statement

**Space Mom:** shiro change your screenname

**(actually) Space Dad:** um okay

**(actually) Space Dad has changed their screenname to Space Champion.**

**Space Champion:** we’re changing these back after Halloween passes right

**Space Mom:** hell yeah Im not gonna mother these crazy ass children for more than three weeks

**Aqua Lance:** I doubt you’ll make it through two days before begging shiro to be Dad again

**Space Mom:** is that a challenge you motherfucking bean pole

**Aqua Lance:** fuck yes it’s a challenge let’s do this MOM

**Space Mom:** oh, you’re on like donkey kong you little turd blossom

**Psychic Pidgeon:** aye where’s coran

**Space Mom:** he forgot to charge his phone again, it just died. He’s holding an impromptu funeral for it

**Psychic Pidgeon:** oh ok

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** keith just spent the last five minutes looking for the bathroom key and he fucking FOUND ONE PREPARE YOURSELF LANCE YOU’S BOUT TO DIE

**Aqua Lance:** ah, shit

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** keith just barged into the bathroom and snatched his phone from lance like he was the fucking terminator

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** OHMYGOD LANCE!!!! FUCKING KISSED KEITH LIKE IT WAS SUPER QUICK AND SUPER GAY BUT IN A CUTE WAY AND KEITH IS NOW TOMATO AND LANCE IS ON HIS KNEES PLEADING FOR MERCY ON HIS LIFE

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** keith just left

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** like, he left the building

**Aqua Lance:** where are you going :(

**Mystery Mullet Man:** either to get ice cream or commit a felony I’ll decide in the car

**Aqua Lance:** if it’s icecream I want a scoop of cookie dough in a waffle cone

**Mystery Mullet Man:** with tiny gummy bears mixed in I know

**Aqua Lance:** <3

**Mystery Mullet Man:** </3

 


	11. The One Where We Roast Coran For a Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aqua Lance: here’s an idea- SHUT YOUR QUIZNAK
> 
> Space Mom: LANCE NO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry guys this chapter is really short and even more trash than the other chapters school's starting up again so there won't be as many updates i might move it to just twice a week instead idk pLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS AND KUDOS THEY LITERALLY MAKE MY ENITRE DAY I READ ALL THE COMMENTS I PROMISE THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! also my phone is literally filled with notes about ideas for this damn fic you are all welcome

**Group Chat >> no PDA in the condo boys**

**Psychic Pidgeon >> Aqua Lance, Space Champion, Hop Skip and a Hunk, Mystery Mullet Man, Space Mom, Space Dad**

 

 **Psychic Pidgeon:** i swear i could write an entire book about lance and keith's relationship

 **Space Champion:** oh no what happened

 **Psychic Pidgeon:** i walked into the condo to find them mackin in the kitchen and all i heard was lance say "hands, ass" 

 **Psychic Pidgeon:** then keith was like "my hands aren’t on your ass" 

 **Psychic Pidgeon:** and fucking lance fucking smiled and said "i know" that was ALL it took to get me to run out that goddamn door 

 **Aqua Lance:** im sorry

 **Mystery Mullet Man:** no ur not

 **Aqua Lance:** no im not

 **Space Mom:** well you fucking should be sorry poor pidge has to deal with you two every fucking where they go and just because the relationship is technically still new you two need to tone it the fuck dOWN

 **Space Champion:** allura you okay there

 **Space Mom:** NO omfg sorry guys I just started a new diet im really hungry and tired

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** im on the diet where you still eat whatever the fuck you want but constantly complain about needing to get in shape

 **Psychic Pidgeon:** at this point tired is just a part of my personality

 **Psychic Pidgeon:** seriously, my morning routine includes 10 minutes of sitting on my bed and thinking about how tired I am

 **Space Mom:** okay but this diet is supposed to be super cool like you only eat whole foods for like a month and it’s supposed to cleanse your body and change your life or some shit

 **Aqua Lance:** nobody wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.

 **Mystery Mullet Man:** I think you hurt his feelings

 **Space Mom:** im sorry ;-;

 **Aqua Lance:** :’D

 **Aqua Lance:** also pidge you can come back in it’s safe now

 **Psychic Pidgeon:** oh thank god I was worried I was gonna have to live in the hallway forever

 **Space Dad:** holy HELL why are you all awake and going about your days

 **Space Dad:** just because im awake at 8 am doesn’t mean im ready to do things, much less participate in a full-blown conversation

 **Space Mom:** coran change your name I thought u were shiro for a second

**Space Dad has changed their screenname to Coconut Coran.**

**Mystery Mullet Man:** what happened to Corantine

 **Coconut Coran:** I like this better. Its happier and it suits my moustache more

 **Aqua Lance:** then you’d be carrot coran

 **Coconut Coran:** :( but I hate carrots

 **Mystery Mullet Man:** shoulda thought about that before you were born a ginger

 **Psychic Pidgeon:** OOO GET REKT BOI

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** YOU JUST GOT HARDCORE ROASTED

 **Coconut Coran:** i hate all of you im going back to sleep

 

 

\------------------------------

 

 

**Group Chat >> HALLOWEEN!!!! IT IS TOMORROW!!!!!**

**Hop Skip and a Hunk >> Aqua Lance, Mystery Mullet Man, Psychic Pidgeon, Space Mom, Coconut Coran, Space Champion**

 

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** okay so October ends tomorrow what are we doing to celebrate

 **Space Mom:** studying ;-;

 **Psychic Pidgeon:** WHAT ALLURA NO

 **Space Mom:** yeah I can’t bullshit my way through rocket science

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** literally tho

 **Coconut Coran:** im, studying too

 **Psychic Pidgeon:** CORAN NO NOT YOU TOO WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO

 **Psychic Pidgeon:** I s2g if shiro is “studying too” im just going to fly the fuck away in green bean

 **Space Champion:** no don’t worry im chillin with you children

 **Aqua Lance:** nice

 **Mystery Mullet Man:** seriously tho what are we gonna do

 **Aqua Lance:** obviously we’re gonna dress up in some bomb ass costumes and party hop

 **Space Champion:** party hop??

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** it’s like bar hopping but with parties

 **Space Champion:** oHHHH

 **Mystery Mullet Man:** here’s an idea- let’s not go to stranger’s parties and get drunk and end up having to take an uber back to someone’s apartment because none of us can walk properly

 **Mystery Mullet Man:** let’s just have our own Halloween party and not almost die 598 thousand times

 **Aqua Lance:** here’s an idea- SHUT YOUR QUIZNAK

 **Space Mom:** LANCE NO

 **Mystery Mullet Man:** i don’t think you're using that WORD CORRECTLY

 **Coconut Coran:** HAHAGGAHA IM DYING

 **Coconut Coran:** YEAH KEITH SHUT YOUR FUCK

 **Aqua Lance:** QUIZNAK MEANS FUCK WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME

 **Mystery Mullet Man:** oh my god

 **Aqua Lance:** I QUIZNAKING HATE THE ALTEAN LANGUAGE IT’S SO CONFUSING

 **Space Mom:** hEY ASSHOLE THAT’S OFFENSIVE

 **Aqua Lance:** sorry mom

 **Space Mom:** apology accepted :D

 **Aqua Lance:** but seriously keith don’t be a killjoy party hopping is what we dO on Halloween it’s like, tradition

 **Psychic Pidgeon:** yeah keith we WANT to almost die 598 thousand times that’s part of the fun

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** I actually liked keith’s idea it sounded safe

 **Space Mom:** well since me and coran aren’t gonna be there it’s up to shiro

 **Space Champion:** oh geez

 **Space Champion:** okay DON’T HATE ME DON’T DO THAT BUT TBH I WANNA GO PARTY HOPPING IT SOUNDS FUN

 **Aqua Lance:** FUCK YEAH BEST DAD EVER

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** goddamnit shiro why do you have to be the cool dad why cant you just be a normal dad

 **Space Champion:** oh I don’t know, maybe it’s becAUSE IM NOT YOUR FATHER

 **Mystery Mullet Man** : #you’re not my real dad

 **Aqua Lance:** Luke, I am NOT your father

 **Psychic Pidgeon:** oooooo bringing out the memes

 **Aqua Lance:** keith, you meme the world to me

 **Mystery Mullet Man:** shut your quiznak

 **Aqua Lance:** I changed my mind I hate you

 **Space Mom:** ah, young love

 


	12. The One Where It's HALLOWEEN BITCHESS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aqua Lance: I think he doesn’t want to admit that he wants to fuck Allura
> 
> Space Mom has left the conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY HALLOWEEN LOSERS!!!! kmn this fic is 33 pages in Word Docx how did this happen wowie you're welcome guys this is all for you btw this chapter is absolute shit and i wasn't really sure how to write out halloween for them but i think i did okay you can tell me what you thought in the comments below (and if you really enjoy this, you should totally leave kudos) if you're this far into the fic then you already know the kind of comments i write in but just in case there is lots of swearing and much innuendos (if you actually read the chapter summaries comment "kiss kiss fall in space" below) also tysm for your support i love writing for u nerds <3

**Group Chat >> Costumes are for ROY AL TY**

**Aqua Lance >> Mystery Mullet Man, Space Mom, Psychic Pidgeon, Hop Skip and a Hunk, Coconut Coran, Space Champion**

 

**Aqua Lance:** LMAOO GUYS IM GONNA DIE

**Aqua Lance:** LIKE LITERAL, 6 FEET UNDER, DEATH

**Space Champion:** what lance why are u gonna die?? are u ok????

**Aqua Lance:** Me and Keith played rock, paper scissors to decide who was picking out costumes and I LOST

**Aqua Lance:** IM NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY IMPUT ON THE COSTUMES WE WEAR

**Mystery Mullet Man:** shut up and trust me

**Aqua Lance:** keith I swear if you pick out cliché vampire costumes or anything even remotely shitty and stereotypical I am dumping your sorry ass

**Mystery Mullet Man:** I said sHUT UP and tRUST ME

**Psychic Pidgeon:** im just gonna wear my Halloween t-shirt

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** the neon orange one that just says “costume” across the front???

**Psychic Pidgeon:** u know it ;)

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** nice

**Space Mom:** lol shiro what are you wearing

**Space Champion:** uhhhh idk

**Aqua Lance:** OOOOOOH KINKY

**Psychic Pidgeon:** L ANCE OH MYGOD

**Space Mom:** thAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT AT ALL OMFG

**Space Mom:** as if I would sext shiro in a group chat my goodness children ;)

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** woaH WAIT WHAT

**Aqua Lance:** I WAS JUST JOKING ABORT ABORT

**Mystery Mullet Man:** wait

**Mystery Mullet Man:** are you two… together??!?!??!?!

**Space Champion:** NO

**Space Champion:** H OLY SHIT ALLURA DON’T FREAK THEM OUT LIKE THAT

**Space Champion:** WE AREN’T DATING

**Psychic Pidgeon:** oh too bad u guys would’ve been a super cute couple :(

**Space Mom:** lmao

**Aqua Lance:** u kno what I can totally see that happening actu-factually

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** woow okay I was about to suggest a double date between u guys and klance but that dream has been shattered

**Space Mom:** nononononono this is really FUCKING awkward now

**Space Mom:** GUYS I WAS JOK IN G IT WAS A J O K E ME AND SHIRO ARE N O T A THING I SWEAR GODDAM N

**Psychic Pidgeon:** okay sure, you’re not dating, but u wanna be ;)

**Space Champion has left the conversation.**

**Mystery Mullet Man:** I think you guys scared him away

**Aqua Lance:** I think he doesn’t want to admit that he wants to fuck Allura

**Space Mom has left the conversation.**

**Psychic Pidgeon:** okay you DEFINITELY scared her away with THAT comment nicely done lance

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** omfg im DOONE ILL SEE U GUYS TONIGHT DON’T TALK TO ME UNTIL THEN

**Hop Skip and a Hunk has left the conversation.**

**Aqua Lance:** wow okay

 

 

\----------------------------- 

 

**Mystery Mullet Man >> Aqua Lance**

 

**Mystery Mullet Man:** ourcostumesbitch.jpg

**Aqua Lance:** oh

**Aqua Lance:** my

**Aqua Lance:** sweet monkey jesus

**Mystery Mullet Man:** do you like them?

**Aqua Lance:** FUCK YEAH I LIKE THEM GOOD FUCKING JOB

**Aqua Lance:** I don’t even know where the hell you found those this last minute but yas bitch

**Mystery Mullet Man:** u know they’re gonna make us do the thing

**Mystery Mullet Man:** wanna practice ;)

**Aqua Lance:** okay but im leia

**Aqua Lance:** hey asshat

**Aqua Lance:** I love u  <3

**Mystery Mullet Man:** I know  <3

 

 

\-----------------------------

 

 

**Group Chat >> H A L L O W E E N I E S FOR EVERYONEE**

**Psychic Pidgeon >> Hop Skip and a Hunk, Coconut Coran, Space Champion, Aqua Lance, Mystery Mullet Man, Space Mom**

 

**Psychic Pidgeon:** I feel like I’ve already started drinking

**Space Mom:** really? why??

**Psychic Pidgeon:** 1\. Because I just started drinking 2. Because lance just walked into the condo wearing a gold bikini top and cinnamon buns on a headband

**Space Mom:** oh my god

**Coconut Coran:** HI GUYS I ACTUALLY CHARGED MY PHONE

**Coconut Coran:** please tell me that keith is dressed up as han solo

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** you betcha

**Space Mom:** PICTURES. NOW!!!

**Psychic Pidgeon:** literalspaceboyfriends.jpg

**Space Mom:** aaaAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH SO CUUTTEEE

**Space Mom:** did everyone dress up???

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** I didn’t, and pidge’s “costume” shirt doesn’t count

**Psychic Pidgeon:** IT DOES TOO FUCK YOU

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** shiro dressed up as a cyborg because of his arm holy shit im dying

**Space Mom:** I WANT GROUP PICS OF EVERYONE AND MAKE KEITH AND LANCE DO THE THING

**Psychic Pidgeon:** the thing??

**Mystery Mullet Man:** I told u lance

**Aqua Lance:** wow I didn’t actually think they would…nice call, we’re gonna have pidge take a video so we don’t have to do it more than once

**Mystery Mullet Man:** but I like the thing

**Psychic Pidgeon:** okay im gonna send a video allura hold up

**Space Mom:** I wanna be with u guys :(

**Psychic Pidgeon has sent a video.**

**Coconut Coran:** omgomg they DID THE THING AAHHH

**Space Mom:** these fuckers are too cute for their own good omfg

**Space Champion:** trust me, they know

**Space Champion:** we’re heading out to the first party

**Coconut Coran:** walking or driving

**Aqua Lance:** Shiro’s gonna drive us there, but Hunk is the DD after that

**Psychic Pidgeon:** hunk never drinks :(

**Mystery Mullet Man:** it’s okay between the four of us we’ll drink enough for all of us AND hunk

**Space Mom:** ok but if any of u need a ride home just text me I’ll come save u

**Aqua Lance:** AWWWWEEHHHH THANKS MOM  <3

**Space Mom:** <3

 

 

 

\-----------------------------

 

 

**Group Chat >> H A L L O W E E N I E S FOR EVERYONEE**

**Aqua Lance >> Mystery Mullet Man, Space Mom, Psychic Pidgeon, Hop Skip and a Hunk, Coconut Coran, Space Champion**

 

**Aqua Lance:** LMFAO PIDGE IS FUCKING ANNOYED AND KEITH IS SUCH A GODDAMN LIGHTWEIGHT IM DYINGGG

**Space Mom:** o’really

**Aqua Lance:** yeep

**Psychic Pidgeon:** NO YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND SO MANY DRUNK ASSHOLES HAVE ASKED ME IF IM “A GIRL OR A BOY” TONIGHT IM SO FUCKING DONE

**Psychic Pidgeon:** I have answered all of them with “no”

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** asshat- “but what’s in your pants” pidge- “science, bitch”

**Coconut Coran:** sounds like you guys are having fun ;-;

**Aqua Lance:** yeah shiro is drunk off of his perfectly shaped ass

**Aqua Lance:** he just ran up to pidge, blew a raspberry in their cheek, then ran off to do more shots

**Space Mom:** should I be worried

**Psychic Pidgeon:** nahhh

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** oh fuck oh fuCK OH FUCK LANCE WHERE ARE YOU

**Aqua Lance:** I just walked up to the bar

**Aqua Lance:** uh, why??

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** your boyfriend just climbed onto a table

**Aqua Lance:** what’s he doing on the table???

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** he’s just… standing there with a slightly confused/proud expression on his face? I don’t think he thought he’d make it this far

**Aqua Lance:** I think I see u be there in a sec to save my pathetic excuse of a boyfren

**Psychic Pidgeon:** GUYS OMG THEY SELL PEANUTBUTTER COOKIES

**Psychic Pidgeon:** I LOVE PEANUTBUTTER COOKIES

**Psychic Pidgeon:** AND PEANUTBUTTER

**Space Mom:** wow really

**Psychic Pidgeon:** but I hATE peanuts. They’re too dry and they stick to your throat and it’s just a MESS and I’d rather not deal with it

**Space Mom:** ur super fucking drunk this is great tell me more about yourself

**Psychic Pidgeon:** I sweat a lot

**Psychic Pidgeon:** like rn for example

**Psychic Pidgeon:** but that’s completely unrelated to the peanuts, I think

**Space Champion:** LOOL ALLURA YOU SHOULD BE HERE WITH US IT SO MUCH FUN

**Space Mom:** but I have to study

**Space Champion:** okay, but Halloween isn’t as epic without you :(

**Mystery Mullet Man:** AWE SHALLURA FOREVER

**Aqua Lance:** KEITH

**Mystery Mullet Man:** LANCE

**Aqua Lance:** who’s the funniest disney princess

**Mystery Mullet Man:** WHOOO

**Aqua Lance:** raPUNzel lmfao

**Mystery Mullet Man:** im breaking up with you

**Psychic Pidgeon:** I’d break up with lance too over that pun

**Space Champion:** I thought it was funny

**Coconut Coran:** lol me too

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** I JUST GOT A SHITTON OF CANDY FROM THE BARTENDER FOR FREE BECAUSE ITS FUCKING HALL O WEEN EVERYONE REGROUP AT THE TABLE WE GOTTA SPLIT THIS ASAP

**Space Champion:** me and pidge are already at the table

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** where are lance and keith???

**Psychic Pidgeon:** I think they just came from the bathroom

**Space Champion:** LANCES BIKINI TOP IS GONE WITH THE WIND AND KEITHS HAIR IS 5000% MESSIER THAN USUAL WHAT THE FUCK WHAT HAPPENED

**Space Mom:** IMPROMPTU MAKEOUT SESSION OOOOOOOH

**Aqua Lance:** we only hit one bar/ party thing but we’ve been here for hours??? Howw???

**Mystery Mullet Man:** yeah im ready to go to bed

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** do u guys wanna do the candy at the condo

**Space Champion:** yeah we’ll meet up at the car

 

 

 

\-----------------------------

 

**Group Chat >> H A L L O W E E N I E S FOR EVERYONEE**

**Hop Skip and a Hunk >> Aqua Lance, Mystery Mullet Man, Psychic Pidgeon, Space Mom, Coconut Coran, Space Champion**

 

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** #i am temporary space dad

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** allthechildsaresleep.jpg

**Space Mom:** they’re all so cute and not horrible when they’re sleeping  <3

**Coconut Coran:** you guys were at that one bar for like 4 hours oh my god

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** me, lance and pidge once started bar hopping at lunch time and we didn’t get home until like 6 am

**Space Mom:** oh my god how that is 18 hours of drinking hunk no

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** im

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** not really sure actually that was pretty impressive of us wow

**Coconut Coran:** uh, yeah

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** the real hero of that story was lance tho, who had an exam at 8 right after that

**Space Mom:** O SHET THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE HOW DID HE DO

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** A-

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** he’s actually really fucking smart he just doesn’t act it… like, ever

**Coconut Coran:** h o ly fuckballs covered in unicorn dust im so impressed with lance rn

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** right??? Okay im pulling out of the parking lot about to drive these lightweights home no more texting

**Space Mom:** DRIVE SAFE LOVE U GUYS HAPPY HALLOWEEN

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** lmao thanks mom


	13. The One Where Team Voltron Plans a Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memellura: its settled they'll both be in drag and the cake will be vanilla
> 
> Space Dad: make sure thats it's rainbow
> 
> this chapter was a lot of fun to write not gonna lie keith is a jEALOUS FUCK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So basically this chapter is made up of scenes that i've written at 2 in the morning (they were all composed on completely different nights) THANK YOU ALL FOR READING THIS I LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU please please please comment i love reading the comments i read every single one they fuel this train wreck of a fic but yes please leave kudos and comments i will love you forever

***please read** \- this takes place a couple days after Halloween and (mostly) everybody’s changed their screennames back. I didn’t write it into the story because I’m a lazy piece of shit and it didn’t fit into the story anywhere*

 

**Group Chat >> my boyfriend sucks at being a boyfriend sometimes**

**Sir Lancelot >> Memellura, Hop Skip and a Hunk, Pidgeotto, Space Dad, Manic Coranic**

 

 **Sir Lancelot:** OH MY GOD

 **Memellura:** what

 **Space Dad:** what happened r u ok

 **Sir Lancelot:** I THINK KEITH FORGOT WE WERE DATING 

 **Memellura:** wait WHAT

 **Pidgeotto:** what on EARTH is making you think tHAT

 **Sir Lancelot:** SO WE'RE CUDDLING ON THE COUCH WATCHING CHEESY ROMANTIC COMEDIES ON NETFLIX RIGHT AND HE'S LITERALLY FALLING ASLEEP WITH HIS HEAD ON MY SHOULDER AND HE'S ALL "HEY LANCE U WANNA GO OUT WITH ME" 

 **Space Dad:** is that the whole story

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** i feel like there's more to this

 **Sir Lancelot:** yeah there is shut your mouth holes im not done

 **Sir Lancelot:** so im like "keith we're dating" and he yawns and smiles that sleep smile people do it was super cute right and he looked at me and said "so that's a yes then" then he passed out on me like what the actual fuck????????

 **Memellura:** AAAAAWWWEEEEEE

 **space dad:** dont let him sleep on the couch it'll screw up his neck

 **Sir Lancelot:** lmao im tucking him into bed right now

 **Pidgeotto:** WE WANT PICTURES PRONTO

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** MAKE IT A SELFIE WITH SLEEPING KEITH

 **Sir Lancelot:** heslep.jpg

 **Sir Lancelot:** goodnightkisses.jpg

 **Memellura:** omg ur kissing his forehead goodnight u 2 are too cute

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** yeah these are definitely going with the others

 **Sir Lancelot:** im not even gonna ask

 **Space Dad:** you'll find out soon enough

 **Space Dad:** aight everybody go to bed its late and i know for a fact that everyone here has a class before 10am tomorrow

 **Pidgeotto:** GOODNIGHT LOSERS

 **Memellura:** goodnight everybody  <3

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** sleep tight guys

 **Sir Lancelot:** goodnight. sleep tight. dont let the bed bugs crawl into your ear and whisper threatening things that make you question yourself. <3

 **Space Dad:** you and keith have been listening to too much alternative music lately

 **Sir Lancelot:** yeah probably :D

 

 

\------------------------------

 

 

**Group Chat >> Shiro is the best dad ever**

**Sir Lancelot >> Firelord Keith, Hop Skip and a Hunk, Pidgeotto, Manic Coranic, Memellura**

 

 **Sir Lancelot:** okay but can we just talk about shiro

 **Pidgeotto:** what do u mean

 **Sir Lancelot:** like on the first day of classes how my mood was basically

 **Sir Lancelot:** #i saw a man so beautiful i started crying

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk** : #dat ass tho

 **Firelord Keith:** #does he buy tight shirts #or do all shirts just cling to him

 **Pidgeotto:** #he makes the crops grow

 **Manic Coranic:** #he is the reason the sun rises

 **Firelord Keith:** #our lord and saviour #our space dad

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** #shiro for president

 **Memellura:** #the man who should be king

 **Sir Lancelot:** #he went from hello sir #to your daughter (and our entire friend group) calls me daddy too

 **Firelord Keith:** lmao guys lance told me that he had a crush on shiro for like two months before Team Voltron™ was formed for that group project we had to do

 **Sir Lancelot:** yOU PROMISED NOT TO TELL

 **Sir Lancelot:** GAY™ FEELS BETRAYED

 **Firelord Keith:** and hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia. welcome to the real world

**Memellura has added Space Dad to the conversation.**

**Sir Lancelot:** you're ACTING LIKE AN EXPIRED COUPON KEITH

 **Sir Lancelot:** NOBODY LIKES EXPIRED COUPONS

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** well apparently you do

 **Sir Lancelot:** EXPIRED COUPONS SUCK

 **Pidgeotto:** dick

 **Memellura:** OOOO UR GONNA NEED SOME ROOM TEMPERATURE WATER FOR THAT BURN

 **Space Dad:** allura that wasnt a burn

 **Memellura:** bitch let me live my life

**Sir Lancelot has left the conversation.**

**Space Dad:** i think we hurt his feelings

 **Firelord Keith:** that asshole is literally sitting next to me watching naruto he's fine

 **Pidgeotto:** ooooh what episode

 **Firelord Keith:** i dont fucking know??? i dont watch it

 **Pidgeotto:** ;-;

 **Manic Coranic:** lol i dont think you guys are properly appreciating lance's use of expired coupon that is a wonderful insult

 **Manic Coranic:** he basically called keith a useless piece of trash

 **Space Dad:** now that, allura, is a BURN

 **Memellura:** #REKT

**Firelord Keith has added sir lancelot to the conversation.**

**Sir Lancelot:** keith just smacked me then left me for popcorn

 **Sir Lancelot:** WHAT DID I MISS WHY WAS I WHACKED

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** you're a horrible boyfriend

 **Sir Lancelot:** NUH UH i am a perfectly adequate boyfriend

 **Sir Lancelot:** keith appears to tolerate me most of the time i call that a WIN

 **Space Dad:** he's not a cat

 **Memellura:** yes he is

 **Pidgeotto:** keith is definitely a cat

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** he's a kitkat

 **Manic Coranic:** KITKAT KEITH 

 **Pidgeotto:** BOI THAT IS PERFECTION

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** CHANGE IT CHANGE IT

**Firelord Keith has changed his screenname to Kitkat Keith.**

**Sir Lancelot:** nooo

 **Memellura:** yeeesssss

 **Sir Lancelot:** i can’t be irritated with him when his screenname is kitkat you guys arent faiiirrrr

 **Kitkat Keith:** love u 2 boo

 **Sir Lancelot:** YOU STOLE MY THING YOU EGG YOU CAN’T DO THAT

 **Kitkat Keith:** <3

 **Sir Lancelot:** i hate you

 **Manic Coranic:** i can’t wait for the wedding

 **Memellura:** I PLANNED EVERYTHING OUT ALREADY

 **Kitkat Keith:** what

 **Sir Lancelot:** wait no

 **Memellura:** I EVEN HAVE A CAKE COMPLETELY DESIGNED JUST TELL ME WHAT FLAVOUR

 **Space dad:** they can wear matching suits

 **Pidgeotto:** no lance needs to be in drag

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** but keiths hair is longer 

 **Memellura:** its settled they'll both be in drag and the cake will be vanilla

 **Space Dad:** make sure thats it's rainbow

 **Kitkat Keith:** GUYS WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING

 **Sir Lancelot:** YALLS NEED TO HOLD YOUR FUCKING HORSES

 **Sir Lancelot:** WE DID NOT AGREE TO THIS

 **Memellura:** we're just planning ahead

 **Kitkat Keith:** no

 **Kitkat Keith:** stop that

 **Sir Lancelot:** allura i love you but if we get married our cake is going to be white chocolate raspberry the fuck kind of asshole has vanilla cake at a wedding

 **Kitkat Keith:** oh my god

**Kitkat Keith has left the conversation.**

**Space Dad:** oh no

 **Memellura:** go fix your boyfriend

 **Pidgeotto:** we'll just continue to plan out the gayest wedding in the entirety of the known universe

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** there will be rainbows everywhere and everyone will be given a flower crown upon entry

 **Space Dad:** aND THEY'LL DANCE TO CAN’T HELP FALLING IN LOVE AND EVERYONE WILL CRY AND WE'LL THROW GLITTER INSTEAD OF RICE

 **Sir Lancelot:** SHIRO NOT YOU TOO

 **Sir Lancelot:** congratulations guys, keith is voluntarily watching anime (and probably understanding everything without needing subtitles this linguistics master asshole)

 **Sir Lancelot:** lowkey impressed 

 **Sir Lancelot:** but still shame on all y’all ambitious fucks  >:(

 

 

 

\------------------------------

 

 

**Group Chat >> I text you losers probably wayyy too much to be healthy**

**Sir Lancelot >> Kitkat Keith, Pidgeotto, Memellura, Hop Skip and a Hunk, Space Dad, Manic Coranic**

 

 **Sir Lancelot:** why do I always text first I feel unloved

 **Sir Lancelot:** but anyways

 **Sir Lancelot:** gUYS WE NEED A TEAM CHEER

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** YEAH LET’S DO IT

 **Sir Lancelot:** alright okay let's try this

 **Sir Lancelot:** WHEN I SAY 'VOL' YOU SAY 'TRON'

 **Sir Lancelot:** VOL

 **Kitkat Keith:** voltron?

 **Sir Lancelot:** nononononono

 **Sir Lancelot:** we're gonna try it again

 **Pidgeotto:** lol good luck lance

 **Sir Lancelot:** WHEN I SAY 'VOL' YOU SAY 'TRON'

 **Sir Lancelot:** VOL

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** ok keith that’s ur cue

 **Kitkat Keith:** uhh

 **Kitkat Keith:** Voltron

 **Sir Lancelot:** goddamnit keith no just say TRON nothing more nothing less that is all you have to say

 **Kitkat Keith:** tron

 **Sir Lancelot:** NOT NOW I MEANT IN THE CHANT

 **Sir Lancelot:** whatever im over it we'll work on it never

 **Pidgeotto:** you did your best keith

 **Memellura:** HAHA OHMYGOD LANCE JUST FACE PLANTED ONTO THE TABLE HE IS SO FUCKING DOOONE

LMAO

 **Kitkat Keith:** wait are you two hanging out

 **Manic Coranic:** oooooooohh are yoouu jeeeeaaaloussss

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** OOOOOHHHH KEITHY'S JEEEAAALLOUSSS

 **Pidgeotto:** AWWWEEEE HOW CUTE

 **Kitkat Keith:** nO im not jEALOUS

 **Kitkat Keith:** but i mean lance did try to hit on allura 0.0008397 seconds after meeting her you can’t blame me for anything

 **Pidgeotto:** translation- keith is AS JELLY AS A JELLYFISH

 **Manic Coranic:** lol keith you and pidge should trade lions because BOI ARE YOU GREEN WITH ENVY

 **Pidgeotto:** CORAN THAT IS TOO FAR I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON GREEN BEAN ALL YEAR HE'LL BE READY TO FLY SOON HELL NAW BOI QUIZNAK THAT

 **Sir Lancelot:** pIDGE STOP MAKING FUN OF ME NOBODY IS TRADING LIONS AND NOTHING IS GOING ON BETWEEN ME AND ALLURA KEITH YOU NEED TO CALM YOUR MULLET YOU JEALOUS FUCK

 **Kitkat Keith:** IM NOT JEALOUS

 **Space Dad:** oh my gosh you all need to calm down

 **Memellura:** okay guys watch this im gonna kill two people with one sentence

 **Memellura:** shut your quiznak™ shiro im highly entertained by this entire exchange

 **Sir Lancelot:** ALLURA WHY

 **Space Dad:** I THOUGHT WE WERE OVER THE TRADEMARKING HOW COULD YOU

 **Pidgeotto:** wow allura virtual high-five that was skills

 **Memellura:** why thank you my petite pal-adin pidge

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** nO

 **Manic Coranic:** why did you bring that BACK WE ALL TRIED SO HARD TO FORGET THAT PUN

 **Kitkat Keith:** i literally printed out the text conversation where we created that horrible, horrible pun and burned them

 **Memellura:** keith i doubt that's true

 **Space Dad:** he's not lying me and lance were there

 **Sir Lancelot:** i deleted the conversation of of all three of our phones while keith burned it

 **Space Dad:** it was really a sight to behold

 **Pidgeotto:** where were we???

 **Kitkat Keith:** well pidge, you werent in the program yet and coran, allura and hunk refused to get drunk with us

 **Pidgeotto:** oHH THATS WHY I WAS CONFUSED ABOUT YOUR COLLECTIVE HATRED OF THE PUN OKAY

 **Manic Coranic:** aweh pidge you precious child  <3

 **Pidgeotto:** IM NOT A CHILD YOU ALL SUCK

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** nah only lance and keith

 **Sir Lancelot:** HUNK

 **Memellura:** EW HUNK NO WHY

 **Kitkat Keith:** wow this took a turn okay so im going to bed

 **Pidgeotto:** with lance

**Sir Lancelot has left the conversation.**

**Memellura:** LMAOO SO THATS A YES THEN

 **Space Dad:** oh my god

 


	14. The One Where You Learn Some History

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's gonna be super short. Read the notes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ: this update is purely some background information on the story. I recommend that you read if you want a better understanding of things such as: shiro's arm, voltron, and Klance. ALSO>> I'm sosososoo super sorry it's been a week since i updated :( school started back up so now i have to deal with things like homework and human interaction (it's not that bad, promise, but i am super busy and my stress/anxiety levels are through the metaphorical roof rn)so updates are going to be less frequent, but i can't say how often right now just because schedules and organization are an absolute shit show to deal with rn, so thanks guys for your patience <3 ALSO ALSO>> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING THIS I LOVE YOU ALL PLEASE LEAVE KUDOS AND FEEL FREE TO COMMENT. PLEASE. i kid you not, i check my email more than i do my text messages hoping that you beautiful people left some pieces of your minds in my inbox <3 <3 <3

I’ve gotten a lot of comments/ tumbr inbox messages about the background story to the lions/ Team Voltron/ how I interpret this into my story

 

so a few things:

  1. Lance and Hunk have been friends since middle school; they met in the lunch line at school, and became instant friends because they both had kiwi jello on their plates instead of cherry.
  2. Keith and Shiro have been friends since high school; they met in Keith’s AP Physics class during his sophomore year (smarty pants); Shiro was the TA; he noticed that Keith was doing all of his work (perfectly, I might add) but that he wasn’t interacting with the rest of the class, so he approached Keith at the end of class and offered to take him for coffee after school; honestly Kieth only said yes because he had no idea how to say no to this beautiful man asking to hang out with him; I guess things worked out ;)
  3. Allura and Coran are from the country Altea, and they are of a higher class and fairly well-known there and regarded with utmost respect; they moved to California (where my fic takes place) because life was boring and “just existing isn’t living, I’m tired of existing, Coran, I want to do something interesting with my life. Let’s run away and join the circus, maybe even explore space! I don’t care what we do, I just know that it has to make us feel like we’re really, really living” (personally I think that they have both joined the circus, and begun to explore space, so good for you Allura)
  4. The entire group is in the space flight/ astrology program and astronomical robotics (the robots can function in space) and astrophysics
  5. In the beginning of (Pidge’s, Keith’s, Lance’s, and Hunk's) freshman year of college (Shiro, Allura, and Coran were all in their sophomore years), the professor of the astronomical engineering/ robotics told all of his students to get into groups of seven and they ended up working together (okay so yes I did mention that Pidge "wasn't in the program yet" forming Team Voltron happened like a month into the semester and Pidge was bored in their normal robotics program and already knew all the material so they switched into astronomical robotics like a week and a half after the groups were made and just went into Team Voltron because they were short a human)
  6. The professor gave them a project to create a robot/space ship for a design contest, blueprints and models were due at the end of the year
  7. The projects were graded off of creativity and individuality
  8. And thus, Voltron was born
  9. They won HELLS YEAH
  10. The prize was that their robot would come to life, full scale of what the team imagined and they've been working on building everything and making it reality
  11. So yeah Green Bean is Pidge’s lion 
  12. Voltron actually was created because Lance and Keith literally wanted to murder each other and couldn’t agree on anything whatsoever (Lance wanted to make five robots that all of them could control at once) (Allura and Coran wanted to be the main controls, so they didn’t want their own vessel) (and Keith wanted to make just one big ship) (so Shiro suggested they do both) (it was mainly Pidge and Hunk that figured out how to make it work)
  13. The Bayards, sadly enough, do not exist in this fic until I can figure out a way to incorporate them into the story ;-; (if you have any suggestions please comment, it might happen)
  14. Shiro still has his prosthetic arm (obviously). it is very similar to the canon arm, except it doesn’t fry people and all of the tech in it is Terran, not Alien. When he was in his freshman year of high school, his family was going through financial issues and he was looking for a job to help out. Shiro came across an online-ad for a medical facility looking for people to run tests on. It was good money, and he was desperate. So, fetus Shiro printed out the ad and ran down to the facility after school the next day. They took him into a room, made him sign a SHIT TON of wavers and documents, then it was lights out.
  15. He woke up three days later due to a searing pain in his right shoulder, and found that that was all that was left of his arm, in place of it an expertly crafted bionic limb, almost identical in size, shape and weight to his other arm, and it’s appeared to have grown with him over the years, despite him never going to a physical therapist after the initial month after it happened to check up on it. When Shiro woke up, he also found a duffle bag of money by the cot he was sleeping in, with a note saying “thanks” on top. He took the money, and managed to pull his family out of their own financial graves, but really, at what cost?
  16. Lmao but he’s joking about it now
  17. Everyone in #team voltron knows that story
  18. Lord zarkon is their astrophysics professor
  19. He’s crazy
  20. Hunk and Shea haven’t met… yet ;)
  21. Lance isn’t jUST COMIC RELIEF OKAY (yes, he is very funny and it’s fun to roast him, but it’s like playing Celine Deon in an elevator, it’s not right)
  22. Keith didn’t start crushing on lance until the end of freshman year when lance got into a reALLY bad car accident and almost croaked…
  23. He had actually been heading over to Keith’s house to study (by that time they were more like mutuals on tumblr than actual friends and they both felt that they needed to ‘bond’ more) so anyways Keith felt responsible for it and didn’t leave lance’s side until he healed completely and they discovered that they liked hanging out with each other and really only kept up the rival shtick as ‘friendly’ competition
  24. Shallura tho how cute amirite (comment if you want more I can make it happen)
  25. Also Coran literally never charges his phone lmao and everybody’s gay for Shiro
  26. Even if they’re female or 42069% straight
  27. They’re gay for Shiro; it’s like, a law
  28. PIDGE IS A NON BINARY BEAN
  29. Also I’m really sorry this has become a Klance fic and i swear on my life that wasn’t my intention when i started writing this it was just crack and now it’s so much more <3
  30. If you read through this entire thing, congratulations, you’re awesome. Now you know some things about things. PLEASE COMMENT IF YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR THE STORY IM OPEN I WILL MOST LIKELY USE YOUR SUGGESTION IM LIKE 97% SURE OKAY and if you like my story just the way it is (<3) then leave kudos to let me know!! :D



 


	15. The One Where Lance is a Man with a Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kitkat Keith: 바보천치
> 
> Sir Lancelot: godfuckivgndammit keith I don’t speak FUCKING KOREAN
> 
> Kitkat Keith: haHAHA LANGUAGE BLOCK BIOTCH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P L E A S E R E A D: SERIOUSILY YOU GUYS ARE GONNA WANNA READ THIS>> if you noticed, i updated Team Voltron: A Group Chat so that it is now a part of a series ;) that's because sososo many people asked me to elaborate on Lance's car crash, and i couldn't interpret that into a text format so it's going to be it's own separate lil story about the boys growing closer and Keith's developing crush (or basically him just realize that he's been in love with Lance since day one, because who doesn't love cliché shit like that?) If u want to read that, chapter 1 IS UPLOADED!! Just click on the lil "7 Phone Numbers and the Losers Behind Them" series thing (it's part 2). I'll be working on the other chapters later on in the week, and yes, don't hate me, but it is very short so far. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS IMPORTANT MESSAGE MY DUDES <3 also, as always, thank you sososososososoo much for reading, please leave comments and kudos if you're enjoying this :D

**Kitkat Keith >> Sir Lancelot**

 

**Kitkat Keith:** so…

**Sir Lancelot:** yes boobear

**Kitkat Keith:** what were you and Allura doing last night

**Kitkat Keith:** anD DON’T CALL ME THAT OHMYGOD

**Sir Lancelot:** CELOSO

**Sir Lancelot:** I KNEW IT

**Kitkat Keith:** I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH YOU ASSHOLE YOU KNOW THAT

**Kitkat Keith:** THE FUCK DID YOU SAY

**Sir Lancelot:** GOOGLE TRANSLATE BITCH

**Kitkat Keith:** I hate u

**Sir Lancelot:**    (͡° ͜ʖ  ͡°)

**Kitkat Keith:** IM NOT JEALOUS YOU EGOTISTAL FUCK

**Sir Lancelot:** THEN WHY DO U WANNA KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING WITH ALLURA

**Sir Lancelot:** WHY BITCH WHY

**Kitkat Keith:** because I just do

**Kitkat Keith:** you’re stalling

**Sir Lancelot:** wat

**Kitkat Keith:** WHY ARE YOU STALLING WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU AND ALLURA DO ING

**Sir Lancelot:** HOW DID YOU FIGURE OUT I WAS STALLING

**Sir Lancelot:** S H I T

**Kitkat Keith:** because I know you, dumbass

**Kitkat Keith:** what are you hiding????

**Sir Lancelot:** im not cheating on u I promise

**Sir Lancelot:** love u bye

**Kitkat Keith:** lance

**Kitkat Keith:** lance i kNOW WHERE YOU LIVE

**Kitkat Keith:** 바보천치

**Sir Lancelot:** godfuckivgndammit keith I don’t speak FUCKING KOREAN

**Kitkat Keith:** haHAHA LANGUAGE BLOCK BIOTCH

**Sir Lancelot:** NOW IM IGNORING YOU FOR REAL YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE

**Kitkat Keith:** wow that completely sent my mind into the gutter

 

 

\------------------------------

 

 

**Group Chat >> operation: don’t tell keith**

**Sir Lancelot >> Hop Skip and a Hunk, Pidgeotto, Memellura, Manic Coranic, Space Dad**

**Sir Lancelot:** okay guys, don’t tell keith but tomorrow is our 2month anniversary

**Manic Coranic:** AWEH HOW CUUTE

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** wait why don’t tell keith

**Sir Lancelot:** because im kidnapping him and we're gonna cut classes

**Sir Lancelot:** My main lady Allura™ helped me with it

**Memellura:** YOU BET YOUR SKINNY LATINO ASS I DID  >:D

**Sir Lancelot:** we've got it alllllll planned out ;)

**Pidgeotto:** what did you guys do for your 1month anniversary? i can’t remember...?

**Sir Lancelot:** we didn’t do anything because we had exams all that week

**Sir Lancelot:** it sucked

**Space Dad:** and you've double checked that there is nOTHING important going on in classes tomorrow???

**Sir Lancelot:** yep

**Manic Coranic:** well, triple check

**Manic Coranic:** for both you AND keith

**Sir Lancelot:** look, ive done all the math- the pop-quizzes in astrophysics are patterned so i kNOW there's nothing tomorrow, we're working on voltron in robotics and you guys can handle that for a day, keith’s art history class just had a chapter test two days ago, and they started the next lesson yesterday so he knows what's going on

**Sir Lancelot:** tomorrow is literally the most perfect day for us to ditch

**Memellura:** wait wHAT THE POP QUIZZES ARE PATTERNED

**Pidgeotto:** NO WONDER YOU ALWAYS ACE THOSE YOU LITTLE SHIT

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** WHY DIDNT YOU TELL US I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS

**Sir Lancelot:** uh

**Sir Lancelot:** sorry guys i thought you'd figured it out

**Space Dad:** proud of you for using that head of yours for something other than destroying everybody at words with friends :D

**Memellura:** #when lance is smarter than everyone else

**Manic Coranic:** #when lance actually pays attention in class

**Pidgeotto:** #when lance thinks that we all think like he does

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** #so he doesn’t give us valuable information to make our life 50000x easier

**Memellura:** #wow #lance is such a nice guy #thanks soo much

**Pidgeotto:** Lance is a nice guy™

**Sir Lancelot:** i sAID I WAS SORRY

**Sir Lancelot:** my GOOSHh

**Space Dad:** they're just giving you a hard time

**Space Dad:** have fun tomorrow :)

**Sir Lancelot:** okay :')

**Sir Lancelot:** seriously tho dONT TELL KEITH IM TRUSTING YOU GUYS

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEW STORY: TO READ, GO TO THE INFO FOR THIS FIC AND CLICK ON THE "7 PHONE NUMBERS AND THE LOSERS BEHIND THEM" SERIES. THE FIC IS PART 2. ENJOY!!! <3


	16. The One Where BAM BAM OH HAWT DAMN IT’S SO GAY THAT KEITH CAN’T STAND ;)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sir Lancelot: obviously im not gay
> 
> Memellura: you're in a romantic relationship with a dude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!! as per usual, thank you much for reading!!! This is just a filler chapter, but i had so much fun writing it so it's okay ;) The last group chat in this chapter was taken from "There! Right There!" a song from Legally Blonde the Musical. If you've never heard it, i highly recommend looking it up on youtube because it is actual gold you will not be disappointed. THANKS FOR READING LEAVE KUDOS AND COMMENTS IF YOU'RE ENJOYING THIS LOVE Y'ALLS <3

**Hop Skip and a Hunk >> Pidgeotto        **

 

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** are lobsters mermaids to scorpions?

**Pidgeotto:** Hunk it is four in the fucking morning

**Pidgeotto:** I am literally in the next room over wyd

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** okay yeah i know that

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** but think about it

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** lobsters are totally scorpion mermaids

**Pidgeotto:** goodnight hunk

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** scorpimaids

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** merpions

**Pidgeotto:** hunk go the fuck to sleep

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** sleep well pidge c u in the morning bye  <3

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** oh hey

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** what do u want for breakfast tomorrow

**Pidgeotto:** i will huRT you

**Pidgeotto:** why do you do this to me

**Pidgeotto:** …

**Pidgeotto:** can u make those peanut butter filled croissant things

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** is a dinosaur the coolest thing to have ever existed on planet earth

**Pidgeotto:** what

**Pidgeotto:** is that a yes or a no hunk can u make me my croissants or not

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** you bet jurassican

**Pidgeotto:** hunk nO

**Pidgeotto:** IT’S TOO EARLY FOR DINOSAUR PUNS

**Pidgeotto:** YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME WITH LANCE

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** #no regrets

**Pidgeotto:** those croissants better be fucking perfection

 

 

\------------------------------

 

 

**Sir Lancelot >> Kitkat Keith**

 

**Sir Lancelot:** u have cute hands but they’d be even cuter down my pants

**Kitkat Keith:** lance what no

**Kitkat Keith:** it is 7am why are you awake and meming at me

**Sir Lancelot:** because you meme the world to me

**Kitkat Keith:** oh my god

**Sir Lancelot:** let me Naruto run into your heart

**Kitkat Keith:** lance go back to bed

**Sir Lancelot:** I can’t

**Kitkat Keith:** why not???

**Sir Lancelot:** because im outside ur door. Let me in

**Kitkat Keith:** you’re wHAT

**Sir Lancelot:** let me in it’s COLD OUT HERE

**Kitkat Keith:** hoLY shiT lance why are you at my door

**Sir Lancelot:** because im kidnapping you and we’re going out today

**Kitkat Keith:** im not ditching class to hang out with you

**Sir Lancelot:** yes u are I already had allura talk to all ur teachers

**Sir Lancelot:** bitch let me innnnnn

**Kitkat Keith:** HOLD ON ASSHAT LET ME PUT PANTS ON

**Sir Lancelot:** that won’t be necessary ;)

**Kitkat Keith:** I will leave you out there

**Sir Lancelot:** IM SORRY I LOVE YOU DON’T LEAVE ME OUT HERE

**Sir Lancelot:** PLEASE

**Sir Lancelot:** YOU CAN EVEN WEAR PANTS I WONT JUDGE

**Sir Lancelot:** YOU DO YOU BOO

**Kitkat Keith:** omfg im literally unlocking the door stop blowing my phone up

**Sir Lancelot:** <3

 

 

\------------------------------

 

 

**Group Chat >> 2 Month Klanceversary**

**Memellura >> Sir Lancelot, Kitkat Keith, Space Dad, Manic Coranic, Pidgeotto, Hop Skip and a Hunk**

 

**Memellura:** sooooo

**Memellura:** how’s the day date going so farr????

**Sir Lancelot:** really well :3

**Pidgeotto:** whut r u guys doin

**Kitkat Keith:** walking around the mall- thinking of getting our ears pierced?

**Space Dad:** wHAT

**Space Dad:** like for real???? because ur gonna have to take care of them and make sure that the piercing doesn’t get infected

**Sir Lancelot:** yes dAD

**Sir Lancelot:** we kNOW

**Kitkat Keith:** yah we wanna get matching sets

**Sir Lancelot:** it’s keith’s anniversary gift to us because mine was this awesomely planned date

**Pidgeotto:** you guys are so fucking gAY MY GOD

**Sir Lancelot:** obviously im not gay

**Memellura:** you're in a romantic relationship with a dude

**Sir Lancelot:** ah

**Sir Lancelot:** u got me there

**Manic Coranic:** does keith even count as a dude

**Kitkat Keith:** ex-fucking-cuse you?!

**Memellura:** well he's got a dick doesnt he ( ͡°ʖ  ͜ ͡°)

**Kitkat Keith:** le gasp™

**Pidgeotto:** dOnT jUst AsSUmE hIS gENdeR aLLuRA JESUS FUCK

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** gOSH MOM

**Kitkat Keith:** i, am a homosexual male

**Sir Lancelot:** damnit keith why u gotta be that way

**Manic Coranic:** HAHA LANCE IS GAY

**Sir Lancelot:** sTILL NOT GAY

**Memellura:** well, you do have that tan, well-tended skin

**Sir Lancelot:** oh my god please no

**Pidgeotto:** and look at that killer shape he's in ;)

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** LOOK AT THAT SLIGHTLY STUBBLY CHIN OH PLEASE, HE'S GAY

**Manic Coranic:** TOTALLY GAY

**Space Dad:** Im not about to celebrate 

**Space Dad:** every trait could indicate a totally straight expatriate, the guy's not gay; i say not gay

**Sir Lancelot:** shirO GODDAMNIT NOT YOU TOO OH GOD

**Memellura:** look at his coiffed and crispy locks

**Pidgeotto:** look at his silk translucent socks

**Sir Lancelot:** my socks are just plain cotton ;-;

**Manic Coranic:** that's the eternal paradox, look what we're seein'

**Space Dad:** what're we seeing?

**Memellura:** well, is he gay…

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** OF COURSE HE’S GAY

**Memellura:** …or European?

**Pidgeotto:** gASP

**Space Dad:** oh my

**Sir Lancelot has left the conversation.**

**Hop Skip and a Hunk has added Sir Lancelot to the conversation.**

**Sir Lancelot:** hUNK WHY

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** because this is gold and you need to fucking experience it

**Memellura:** you see, they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports

**Manic Coranic:** and they play some weird ass sports

**Kitkat Keith:** in shiny shirts and tiny shorts ( ͡°ʖ  ͜ ͡°)

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** gAY OR FOREIGN FELLA?!?

**Pidgeotto:** blagh the answer could take weeks

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** he says things like "ciao bella" while he kisses both ur cheeks

**Memellura:** IS HE GAY OR EUROPEAN

**Memellura:** SO MANY SHADES OF GREYYY (technically rainbow) (isnt grey asexual) (???)

**Pidgeotto:** allura im so pROUD  

**Sir Lancelot:** depending on the time of day the french go either way

**Sir Lancelot:** ;)

**Kitkat Keith:** thERE RIGHT THERE

**Manic Coranic:** LOOK AT THAT CONDESCENDING SMIRK

**Manic Coranic:** SEEN IT ON EVERY GUY AT WORK

**Manic Coranic:** THAT IS A METRO-HETERO JERK THE GUY'S NOT GAY I SAY NO WAY

**Sir Lancelot:** yAS BIOTCH

**Sir Lancelot:** seeeeee im nOT GAY

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** what about your boyfriend

**Sir Lancelot:** keith?

**Space Dad:** OH MY GOODNESS

**Memellura:** CALLED IT

**Sir Lancelot:** SO WHAT THIS PROVES NOTHING

**Kitkat Keith:** YOU ARE SO GAY

**Kitkat Keith:** YOU BIG PARFAIT

**Kitkat Keith:** YOU FLAMING BOYBAND CABARET 

**Sir Lancelot:** I M  S T R A I G H T

**Kitkat Keith:** you were not yesterday ;)

**Space Dad:** this is so wrong on so many levels

**Pidgeotto:** so if i may, im proud to say, he's GAAAAAAYYYYY

**Manic Coranic:** and european :3

**Sir Lancelot:** fINE OKAY

**Sir Lancelot:** IM GAY

**Memellura:** HOORAY

**Sir Lancelot:** well I mean

**Sir Lancelot:** technically im pan

**Pidgeotto:** no fuck off space sokka you’re gay

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this: http://archiveofourown.org/works/7846354/chapters/17915170


	17. The One Where Keith Breaks Up With Lance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memellura: pidge you better sleep with one eye open from now on holy shit i cannot believe you just told them that
> 
> Pidgeotto: <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY RAVIOLI THIS IS SO LONG IM NOT EVEN SORRY LMAO guys i learned Can't Help Falling In Love on the ukelele today it's so much fun :3 also: allura's music kink is R E A L OKAY thanks guys for reading!! Leave comments and kudos if you enjoyed this! (comment your favorite hamilton song guys i wanna know- mine are the cabinet battles they're so SAVAGE) (comment if you cried when you listened to The World Was Wide Enough) (i did)

**Group Chat >> we are the cutest gay couple**

**Kitkat Keith >> Sir Lancelot, Space Dad, Memellura, Hop Skip and a Hunk, Pidgeotto, Manic Coranic **

 

**Kitkat Keith:** weMATCH.jpg

**Kitkat Keith:** happyanniversaryLance.jpg

**Space Dad:** OH MY GOD YOU GUYS WENT THROUGH WITH IT

**Memellura:** I gotta agree with the chat title

**Memellura:** you two totally win the award for cutest gay couple

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** cutest couple**

**Pidgeotto:** im sorry is nobody going to comment on the fact that they bought red and blue earrings then swapped so now they have one of each

**Pidgeotto:** because that’s worth mentioning

**Manic Coranic:** fucking dorks

**Sir Lancelot:** we’re leaving the mall rn :3 anniversary date pt 2 is commencing

**Space Dad:** MAKE SURE THAT YOU GUYS BUY ALL OF THE CLEANING SUPPLIES DON’T LET YOUR EARS GET INFECTED OKAY

**Kitkat Keith:** we already got everything dad calm down

**Space Dad:** ;-;

**Memellura:** have fun on ur date

**Sir Lancelot:** ;)

**Manic Coranic:** but not tOO much fun

**Kitkat Keith:** oh my god

 

 

\------------------------------

 

 

**Group Chat >> lance is a tall cup of arrogant shit muffins**

**Kitkat Keith >> Sir Lancelot, Space Dad, Memellura, Hop Skip and a Hunk, Pidgeotto, Manic Coranic **

 

**Kitkat Keith:** it's official iM BREAKING UP WITH LANCE

**Kitkat Keith:** I CAN NO LONGER RELATIONSHIP WITH THAT ASSHOLE

**Space Dad:** woAH WAIT WHAT YOU GUYS WERE THE CUTES COUPLE LIKE THREE HOURS AGO WHAT THE FRICK FRACK PATTY WACK TICK TACK TOE IS EVEN HAPPENING

**Sir Lancelot:** iM WHEEZIGN AGHAGSHAHA

**Memellura:** WHAT'S HAPPENING

**Sir Lancelot:** KEITH JUST GOT UP AND LEFT ME IM FUCKING CRYING

**Sir Lancelot:** HOLY SH I T HAHAHA

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** im confused

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** are you two okay

**Kitkat Keith:** so everything's going great right and Lance has us run back to ur guys's apartment to get a fUCKING PICNIC BASKET

**KitKat Keith:** and we take my bike to the park and he lays out a fucking bLANKET LIKE HOW ROMANTIC IS THAT RIGHT

**Pidgeotto:** keith you have a fucking badass motorcycle do not call that savage piece of beautiful metal parts a "bike"

**Kitkat Keith:** ...anyways

**Kitkat Keith:** we're sitting there setting up the food and Lance pulls out his beautiful JBL speaker i want it so much it’s my child

**Sir Lancelot:** no it's mine bitch

**Kitkat Keith:** shut up our relationship is over you have no say

**Space Dad:** okay but what hAPPENED

**Manic Coranic:** WAIT YOU TWO ARE BREAKING UP

**Manic Coranic:** W H Y

**Manic Coranic:** IS EVERYTHING OKAY

**Kitkat Keith:** IM GETTING THERE HOLD YOUR FUCKING HORSES

**Memellura:** i used to have horses

**Memellura:** they liked sugar cubes

**Pidgeotto:** allura literally nobody cares about your altean horses addicted to cocaine we wanna know what LanCE DID

**Memellura:** ;-;

**Kitkat Keith:** so he sets up his phone in the speaker and im sitting there eating my sandwich and drinking my apple juice like the unsuspecting fuck i am 

**Kitkat Keith:** when he puts on the Hamilton soundtrack

**Sir Lancelot:** hE'S NEVER HEARD IT BEFORE I WANTED TO SHARE IT WITH HIM

**Kitkat Keith:** i fucking hate lance and his apple music

**Memellura:** oh my god lance you monster

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** did you guys listen to the entire thing

**Kitkat Keith:** no fucking shit hunk yes we listened to the enTIRE GODDAMN ALMBUM

**Pidgeotto:** KEITH HOW THE HELL HAVE YOU NEVER LISTENED TO HAMILTON BEFORE TODAY

**Pidgeotto:** BOI

**Kitkat Keith:** I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD BE LIKE THIS

**Sir Lancelot:** yeah we ate our food and listened to hamilton and all was good 

**Sir Lancelot:** i was 5000% rapping everything

**Kitkat Keith:** he actually wasnt bad i was impressed

**Sir Lancelot:** then

**Sir Lancelot:** then we got to Say No To This and everything went to shit

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** oh no

**Memellura:** I GOT SO MAD

**Sir Lancelot:** keith did too it was really cute

**Kitkat Keith:** HAMILTONS A FUCKING ASSHOLE FOR THAT

**Sir Lancelot:** yeah anyways we finished it and we both cried and now keith left me

**Sir Lancelot:** i dont even know where he went o shet KEITH COME BACK

**Kitkat Keith:** no

**Kitkat Keith:** im leaving you

**Pidgeotto:** LMAO THIS IS GREAT

**Space Dad:** keith you can't break up with lance because of Alexander Hamilton

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** or Aaron Burr

**Memellura:** sir

**Kitkat Keith:** bitch wAtcH mE

**Sir Lancelot:** there was an elderly lady that apparently watched the entire exchange between me and Keith and she just came over to console me 

**Sir Lancelot:** sayhitoJill.jpg

**Space Dad:** meandallurasayhiJill.jpg

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** omg that pic of u two is so cute shiro

**Pidgeotto:** hunk just screeched "shallurA!!! hOLY BUTTER BISCUITS i can't evEN" what even is our generation

**Manic Coranic:** butter biscuits

**Manic Coranic:** im cryinG

**Memellura:** has keith come back yet

**Sir Lancelot:** no

**Sir Lancelot:** jill left me too im so sad and alone

**Sir Lancelot:** will i ever find love again

**Pidgeotto:** not with that attitude

**Sir Lancelot:** gee thanks

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** and your pick-up lines are absolutely horrible

**Memellura:** yeah lance you can't flirt for shit

**Manic Coranic:** i think Keith was ur best bet

**Space Dad:** LANCE YOU HAVE TO GET KEITH B A C K 

**Space Dad:** serenade him or something i refuse to let you die alone

**Sir Lancelot:** you're all a bunch of assholes -.-

**Sir Lancelot:** buuuuttt

**Sir Lancelot:** i did bring my ukulele ;)

**Memellura:** aaaAAAAHHHH THE UKULELE MY FAVOURITE THING HOLY MOLY

**Pidgeotto:** that reminds me  >:)

**Pidgeotto:** allura do u remember that time u and me were hanging out and you were completely wASTED

**Memellura:** pidgE NO

**Space Dad:** i wanna hear this

**Kitkat Keith:** me too

**Sir Lancelot:** kEITH YOURE BACK

**Sir Lancelot:** MY BOO

**Kitkat Keith:** fuck off im mad at u

**Sir Lancelot:** ;-;

**Pidgeotto:** ALLURA WAS DRUNK AND WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE GROUP AND SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE THOUGHT LANCE WAS HOT WHEN HE PLAYED THE UKULELE

**Memellura:** PIDGE

**Memellura:** OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO D E A D YOU MOTHERFUCKER

**Pidgeotto:** your exact words "i would date the fuck outta lance if he would shut his trap and just constantly serenade me with that hollow scrap of musical wood"

**Memellura has left the conversation.**

**Sir Lancelot:** OH MY GOD

**Sir Lancelot:** ALLURA

**Space Dad:** wow

**Pidgeotto has added Memellura to the conversation.**

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** BUT WHAT ABOUT SHIRO ALLURA GODDAMNIT THE OTP WILL BE CANON

**Manic Coranic:** lance will never let you live this down this is gREAT

**Kitkat Keith:** A L L U R A

**Kitkat Keith:** HAHAHAAHHAA

**Memellura:** pidge you better sleep with one eye open from now on holy shit i cannot believe you just told them that

**Pidgeotto:** <3

**Kitkat Keith:** pidge i hate you i can hEAR LANCE ON HIS UKE

**Kitkat Keith:** he's gonna sing and all these people are gonna come bother him

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** keith yoU’RE the one who can sing; all lance can do is harmonize

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** without his uke he is nothing

**Space Dad:** keith go back to your boyfriend

**Memellura:** ...

**Memellura:** and send us a video

**Pidgeotto:** hAHAHAHAHAHA YOURE SUCH A SUCKER

**Memellura:** ;-;

**Manic Coranic:** well allura you know shiro plays guitar right

**Space Dad:** coran ohmygod

**Memellura:** no i didnt know that

**Manic Coranic has sent a video.**

**Manic Coranic:** it's kinda old but shiro's playing Taylor Swift 

**Space Dad:** HOW DID YOU GET THAT CORAN NO

**Space Dad:** YOU LITTLE SHIT

**Pidgeotto:** my goodness dad watch your language

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** dO YOU KISS YOUR MOTHER WITH THAT MOUTH?!?

**Space Dad:** you're all horrible people

**Pidgeotto:** why thank you we try :)

**Kitkat Keith has sent a video.**

**Memellura:** he

**Memellura:** HE IS SINGING CAN’T HELP FALLING IN LOVE AND WALKING AROUND LOOKING FOR YOU KEITH YOU BASTARD GO TO HIM

**Kitkat Keith:** no im still mad  >:(

**Pidgeotto:** you're a fucking moron

**Memellura:** keith if you dont go to him i will

**Memellura:** and you won’t get him back

**Space Dad:** wow thanks

**Space Dad:** feeling the love

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** OH MY GOD

**Pidgeotto:** WE KNEW IT

**Manic Coranic:** FUCKING FINALLY

**Space Dad:** whoops

**Memellura:** keith ill trade u lance for shiro

**Kitkat Keith:** that sounds like im getting a better deal over here

**Memellura:** true

**Memellura:** go to him

**Space Dad:** I cannot believe that you just tried to trade me for lance

**Kitkat Keith:** fINE IM GOING

**Kitkat Keith:** if only because there are girls trying to flirt with my boyfriend godfuckivgndammit lance

**Manic Coranic:** I swear we all live vicariously through lance and keith’s drama

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** there has never been a truer statement

 

 


	18. The One Where Hunk Has a Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kitkat Keith: wow get a room
> 
> Manic Coranic: says the boyfriend
> 
> Pidgeotto: why are you all gay for each other i dONT UNDERSTAND

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so short it's only 961 words lol I'm sorry it's so short and I'm sorry that the enTIRE chapter is awful and just bad puns and worse memes you can be salty about it i won't mind <3 Also thank you guys so much for reading!!!!! Leave kudos and comments if you're enjoying this fic, i always love hearing what you guys have to say :3

**Group Chat >> VOLTRON IS A HUGE, AWESOME ROBOT**

**Hop Skip and a Hunk >> Sir Lancelot, Space Dad, Kitkat Keith, Pidgeotto, Memellura, Manic Coranic**

 

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** OH MY GOD I JUST HAS THE WEIRDEST DREAM

**Memellura:** alright it is 3:27 am i am ready

**Pidgeotto:** ... let's hear it

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** SO VOLTRON WAS ALL BUILT AND BEAUTIFUL BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY MAGICAL ALIEN TECH AND WE HAD TO FLY ACROSS THE UNIVERSE TO FIND ALL THE LIONS RIGHT

**Space Dad:** but we're building the lions

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** idk man it was a dream

**Manic Coranic:** please continue, im intrigued 

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** YES OKAY BUT THE BEST FUCKING PART

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** WE WERE THE DEFENDERS OF THE UNIVERSE

**Kitkat Keith:** i just snorted so loudly i woke up Lance

**Kitkat Keith:** whoops

**Memellura:** HAHAHAHAHA IM FUCKING DYING WHAT GODDAMN MORON CHOSE US AS THE DEFENDERS OF THE UNIVERSE

**Sir Lancelot:** hunk what kind of drugs did you dO LAST NIGHT YOU GOTTA SHARE THIS SHIT DUDE

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** Lance oh my god whY, and, uh

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** well Allura

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** you were actually the moron that chose us as the defenders of the universe

**Memellura:** no

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** yes

**Pidgeotto:** ALLURA YOU DUMBASS WHAT WAS DREAM-YOU THINKING

**Kitkat Keith:** we're gonna destroy the entire fucking universe 

**Space Dad:** good job team

**Space Dad:** high-fives all around

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** yeah after allura picked us to man the magic alien lions Coran asked her how she picked which lion we would pilot and she totally deadpan looked at him and said "i 5000% chose their lions based off of their clothes" 

**Memellura:** dream me sounds like a pompous bitch

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** nah dream you was actually just you, but alien and more bossy

**Pidgeotto:** translation- pompous bitch

**Memellura:** fuck you Pidge

**Sir Lancelot:** oh wow allura SALTY MUCH calm your long ass silver locks the flippity floopity fuck down

**Pidgeotto:** Oh, honey bunches and oats, i'd say maybe later, but i wouldn't mean it

**Manic Coranic:** OOOOOOO SHET

**Space Dad:** no coran pidge wasn't being savage they were being asexual

**Memellura:** that somehow makes 10x funnier

**Sir Lancelot:** lmao

**Sir Lancelot:** allura and shiro, our token heterosexuals

**Pidgeotto:** sO TRUE THO

**Manic Coranic:** what am i?

**Kitkat Keith:** single

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** THAT was fuckin savage ohmygod

**Space Dad:** eXCUSE YOU

**Space Dad:** dID YOU FORGET ABOUT MY DOUCHEY EX BOYFRIEND SENDAK

**Kitkat Keith:** Sendak was the real pompous bastard

**Sir Lancelot:** oh yeah i do remember

**Sir Lancelot:** he had a really disarming personality ;)

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** lance it is too goddamn early for you to be making puns about shiro's arm

**Pidgeotto:** yeah lance don't hurt Shiro, he's unarmed!

**Memellura:** these are very alARMing

**Kitkat Keith:** geez lance it's like you've unleashed an ARMada of puns

**Space Dad:** oh my god

**Space Dad:** you are all (one) hand down the worst group of people i know

**Sir Lancelot:** AHAHAHAA SHIROS IN ON IT TOO THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND

**Manic Coranic:** im, going to bed

**Manic Coranic:** before you guys cause the apocalypse or something

**Pidgeotto:** according to hunk's crack dream, we already did

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** we were the defenders of the universe we did nOT cause the APOCALYPSE

**Kitkat Keith:** well how do you think we bECAME the defenders of the universe

**Sir Lancelot:** obviously we destroyed earth and bribed allura to let us pilot the lions

**Memellura:** because you can't fly for shit

**Pidgeotto:** OOOOOOO BUURRN

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** you DID crash the simulator, Tailor

**Space Dad:** stop

**Kitkat Keith:** guys c'mon

**Pidgeotto:** wait why we were having fun

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** ????

**Space Dad:** lance worked and is still working harder than EVERYONE here to get to where he is be fUCKING PROUD OF MY CHILD OKAY HE DESERVES SO MUCH

**Sir Lancelot:** AWE SHIRO

**Sir Lancelot:** EVEN THOUGH IM ACTUAL SHIT YOU STILL LOVE ME

**Kitkat Keith:** wow get a room

**Manic Coranic:** says the boyfriend

**Pidgeotto:** why are you all gay for each other i dONT UNDERSTAND

**Space Dad:** c'mon lance we dont need this shit let's run away together

**Sir Lancelot:** im not complaining but shiro how long have you been awake for

**Space Dad:** uhhh since like 5 am yesterday????

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** lmao it cos he has to spend two hours (no more no less) on his perfect eyeliner

**Space Dad:** I SPEND THREE MINUTES ON MY EYELINER LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE ABOUT IT

**Kitkat Keith:** shiro u ok buddy

**Space Dad:** lol when have i ever been okay

**Space Dad:** ;-;

**Sir Lancelot:** dad please go to sleep

**Pidgeotto:** you two were gonna run away together like 2 seconds ago 

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** yeah what happened

**Kitkat Keith:** i happened

**Memellura:** ew

**Sir Lancelot:** OH MY GOD GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER ALLURA YOU NASTY ASS MOTHERFUCKER

**Memellura:** ;)

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** on that note good night sleep tight

**Pidgeotto:** IM GOING TO BED TOO GOOD NIGHT LOSERS

**Kitkat Keith:** but it’s the morning

**Memellura:** keith stfu and go to sleep

**Kitkat Keith:** YOU’RE NOT MY REAL MOM

**Sir Lancelot has removed Kitkat Keith from the conversation.**

**Sir Lancelot:** we’re going to bed because im 110% positive that keith has exhausted himself past the point of hysterical laughter and is now in between having a nervous breakdown and marathoning all of the Harry Potter movies just because he can

**Manic Coranic:** s a v e  h i m

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****Hunk does not do drugs.**** The only member of Team Voltron that may occasionally do drugs is Shiro, and that's doctor prescribed medical marijuana to help him cope with his PTSD. Keith was also prescribed medical marijuana because of his anxiety attacks, but only used it once before he decided that he'd rather power through it on his own (now he has lance to help him through those, even if he pretends that it never happened afterwards). please comment and leave kudos if you liked this!! They are so appreciated :3 Luv u guys


	19. The One Where Shallura is the Best Conspiracy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sir Lancelot: the only thing it’s not okay to be,
> 
> Sir Lancelot: is a motherfucking asshole be nice to people okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY THIS UPDATE IS SO SO SO LATE!!! It's been a rough couple weeks, I'm not gonna lie, so this update is a bit longer to compensate for that :D and omg????? Thank you so much?????? this story has 5000+ hits now that's inSANE wowie you guys are amazing :3 NOTE: this chapter mentions GSA and i mean, the whole fic is gay, but idk i think i gotta mention that???? Thanks for reading!!! Leave kudos and comments if you enjoyed this!! :D HEY COMMENT IF YOU KNOW WHAT MUSICAL I REFERENCED TO IN THIS WINNER GETS A VIRTUAL HIGH-FIVE

**Group Chat >> Idk whether I loathe my boyfriend or love him so much that I want him dead**

**Kitkat Keith >> Space Dad, Memellura, Manic Coranic, Pidgeotto, Hop Skip and a Hunk, Sir Lancelot**

 

 **Kitkat Keith:** i have made a gRAVE MISTAKE

 **Kitkat Keith:** fUCKING END ME

 **Space Dad:** why do you guys only text us when there's an issue

 **Memellura:** what did u do

 **Kitkat Keith:** i gave lance a key to my apartment

 **Manic Coranic:** wow, what a horrible idea, giving your BOYFRIEND a key to your apartment. how stupid of you, keith. -.-

 **Kitkat Keith:** coran stop being a sassy gingersnap and hELP ME HE WONT LEAVE

 **Pidgeotto:** i feel ur pain

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** i was wondering why the condo was eerily quiet and i still had cereal in the pantry

 **Kitkat Keith:** it's bEEN THREE DAYS HE WONT LET ME DO ANYTHING

 **Space Dad:** have you guys even done your homework or studied for Professor Zarkon's chapter exam???

 **Sir Lancelot:** lmao it's not like we're scholarship students who have to maintain a 3.5 gpa or anything why the hell would we be doing hOMEWORK

 **Kitkat Keith:** get out of my apartment

 **Space Dad:** you two are LITERALLY SCHOLARSHIP STUDENTS WHO HAVE TO MAINTAIN A 3.5 GPA LANCE WYD

 **Memellura:** why does he do this

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** keith just take back the key

 **Pidgeotto:** hunk, c'mon, this is LANCE we're talking about. he either hid it or put it somewhere keith can't get to

 **Sir Lancelot:** i put it on top of the cabinets ;)

 **Kitkat Keith:** when i get home from the store i am actually going to strangle you

 **Sir Lancelot:** can you even reach my neck

 **Manic Coranic:** DAYUMN BOI U JUST GOT A THIRD DEGREE BUUURRRRN

 **Pidgeotto:** a prime example of tall people being assholes

 **Space Dad:** keith do not strangle your boyfriend that is literally relationship rule #1

 **Memellura:** the only relationship rule keith follows is #14 and that's "playful banter"

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** allura this is Not playful banter this is WAR there are DEATH THREATS flying around

 **Kitkat Keith:** are you suggesting that i occasionally stray away from the rulebook

 **Space Dad:** no,

 **Space Dad:** im suggesting that you do not own a copy of the rulebook and if you do, you certainly have never opened it

 **Manic Coranic:** we are just ROASTING keith today

 **Kitkat Keith:** i hate you all

 **Sir Lancelot:** keith r u still at the store

 **Kitkat Keith:** ...........yes why

 **Sir Lancelot:** you might want to grab more fruit loops

 **Sir Lancelot:** just in case you were planning on eating them anytime soon

 **Kitkat Keith:** goddamnit lance whY

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** be prepared to never have cereal in your home ever again, my friend

 **Pidgeotto:** or peace and quiet

 **Kitkat Keith:** ;-;

 **Sir Lancelot:** i love you :3

 **Memellura:** lance cut the shit

 **Pidgeotto:** yeah we all know you're only with keith so you have someone to laugh at your horrible jokes

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** and he was really excited when he discovered that you could sing, keith

 **Manic Coranic:** and lance 3000000% freeloads off of u

 **Sir Lancelot:** THAT IS NOT TRUE I MAKE A LIVING CORAN FUCK OFF

 **Space Dad:** this went from roasting keith over an open flame to baking lance in the oven and complimenting keith for it

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** lmao that just reminded me of the time lance and keith tried to bake cookies

 **Pidgeotto:** KEITH WAS SO DRU NK

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** “What do you mean I can’t bake cookies with a blowdryer?! Challenge ACCEPTED”

 **Kitkat Keith:** we were so determined

 **Sir Lancelot:** yet alas, we could not bake cookies with a blowdryer

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** I’m still finding pieces of raw cookie dough in the kitchen from that

 **Memellura:** w o w

 **Memellura:** this entire conversation is rated PG for Pretty Gay

 **Sir Lancelot:** oh im sorry princess are my homosexual tendencies ruining your otherwise never heterosexual conversations

 **Space Dad:** I swear im going to hell because of our friendship oh my g o d

 **Pidgeotto:** last one there wins

 

 

\------------------------------

 

 

**Group Chat >> Say Takashi Shirogane Five Times Fast**

**Memellura >> Sir Lancelot, Kitkat Keith, Manic Coranic, Pidgeotto, Hop Skip and a Hunk**

 

 **Memellura:** hey

 **Memellura:** hey guys

 **Pidgeotto:** hi allura

 **Sir Lancelot:** wassup mama bear

 **Memellura:** guess what

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** chickenbutt

 **Pidgeotto:** HUNK GODDAMNIT ARE YOU FIVE FUCKING YEARS OLD WHAT THE FUCK

 **Manic Coranic:** hunk why

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** soRRY IT WAS REFLEX

 **Kitkat Keith:** allura, please continue

 **Memellura:** Takashi Shirogane is my boyfriend

 **Sir Lancelot:** WH AT THE FUCK

 **Pidgeotto:** no shit, sherlock

 **Sir Lancelot:** ALLURA YOU CAN’T JUST SAY THAT YOU LITERALLY JUST BROKE EVERYONE’S HEARTS WITHIN A FIVE MILE RADIUS WYD WOMAN

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** congratulations on your relations

 **Kitkat Keith:** wow

 **Manic Coranic:** you know we already knew right

 **Memellura:** I just really wanted to say that

 **Memellura:** because Takashi Shirogane is my boyfriend

 **Pidgeotto:** was it love at first sight like lance and keith

 **Sir Lancelot:** #the first time I saw keith #i thought he was a really ugly girl

 **Kitkat Keith:** you’re an asshole

 **Sir Lancelot:** #but as I got closer #i realized that he was actually a very pretty girl

 **Kitkat Keith:** lance no

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** wait ive heard lance say this in his sleep before

 **Pidgeotto:** wtf hunk u creeper

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** we literally LIVE TOGETHER PIDGE IM N O T CREEPY ;-;

 **Sir Lancelot:** #and when I found out keith was a boy

 **Memellura:** oooh here comes the cute :3

 **Sir Lancelot:** #i was suddenly very happy

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** allura I promise this doesn’t go the way you think it’s going to go

 **Sir Lancelot:** #because then I’d feel no remorse #about fantasizing of whacking him upside the head #with his own sword #repeatedly

 **Kitkat Keith:** LMAO YOU’RE A SHIT BOYFRIEND

 **Memellura:** L A N C E  NO

**Kitkat Keith has added Space Dad to the conversation.**

**Pidgeotto:** I guess you could say, that when lance and keith first met, they shared a feeling, so sudden and new

 **Memellura:** yES

 **Sir Lancelot:** I felt it the moment I laid eyes on you

 **Kitkat Keith:** my pulse was rushing, my head was reeling

 **Sir Lancelot:** my face was flushing

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** what was that feeling? Fervid as a flame, does it have a name?

 **Manic Coranic:** YES

 **Memellura:** YES

 **Sir Lancelot:** LOATHING

 **Kitkat Keith:** UNADULTERATED LOATH ING

 **Space Dad:** what the hell

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** don’t ask

 **Sir Lancelot:** shiro you have to announce to everyone at school that you’re not available anymore

 **Kitkat Keith:** lance did you announce that you weren’t single anymore when we started dating

 **Pidgeotto:** like lance even needed to

 **Memellura:** the only love confessions lance was receiving were from keith (muttered behind his back) and the freshman that didn’t realize lance was an actual piece of shit™

 **Sir Lancelot:** feeling the love guys, really, thanks sO much for that

 **Space Dad:** wait how do you guys know that im dating allura

 **Pidgeotto:** well, dad, not only did allura tell us all like 20 minutes ago, but we also never mentioned that you were dating allura, so you just confirmed what we knew to be true

 **Space Dad:** well, shit

 **Memellura:** rude

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** DAD U GOTTA STOP WITH THE PROFANITIES DON’T MAKE ME START TRADEMARKING THINGS AGAIN

Space Dad: NONONONO ILL STOP IM DONE JUST NO UNPATENTED LINES PLEASE

 **Kitkat Keith:** you should’ve traded him for lance when you had the chance

 **Sir Lancelot:** no thanks

 **Space Dad:** :O

 **Memellura:** >:O

 **Sir Lancelot:** like im going to get in between shiro and allura

 **Sir Lancelot:** if I run off with shiro into the sunset, allura would maul my ass. If I run off with allura into the sunset, shiro would be v sad, and I’d end up bringing her back with some froyo and a manicure

 **Manic Coranic:** froyo and a manicure??

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** isn’t that what you did with your sister when she was having a bad day

 **Sir Lancelot:** yeah..?

 **Memellura:** AWEH LANCE

 **Memellura:** KAWAII

 **Kitkat Keith:** allura nO WHO GOT YOU INTO ANIME WAS IT LANCE

 **Memellura:** fuck off no it wasn’t lance

 **Space Dad:** guilty

 **Pidgeotto:** good job dad A+ work

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** did shiro get you into Attack On Titan as well

 **Memellura:** sword art online

 **Memellura:** and hunter x hunter

 **Sir Lancelot:** he started you on the baby animes how sweet

 **Space Dad:** don’t worry, we’re getting to the food animes next

 **Kitkat Keith:** you’re all dead to me

**Kitkat Keith has left this conversation.**

**Sir Lancelot:** don’t worry guys, I’ll get keith into anime before you guys can wonder how erina’s gonna get yukihira to love her forever

 **Kitkat Keith:** what the fuck did you even just say

 **Pidgeotto:** im so disappointed in myself for knowing exactly what he’s talking about ;-;

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** shut up you know you love it

 **Pidgeotto:** that just makes it wORSE

 

 

\------------------------------

 

 

**Sir Lancelot >> Kitkat Keith**

 

 **Sir Lancelot:** what do you call a dictionary on drugs

 **Kitkat Keith:** if you say addictionary I swear to fucking god I will cut you

 **Sir Lancelot:** I was actually gonn say “high definition” but I like yours better

 **Kitkat Keith:** goddamnit

 **Sir Lancelot:** :D

 **Sir Lancelot:** aye I wrote a GSA poem after I got home from ur place at like 2 am lol

 **Kitkat Keith:** yOU wrote a gay-straight alliance poem??!! How even?

 **Sir Lancelot:** do u wanna read it or not

 **Kitkat Keith:** nono I wanna read it send it to me

 **Sir Lancelot:** “It’s okay to be gay, and it’s okay to be straight.”

 **Sir Lancelot:** “It’s okay to be demisexual, and it’s okay to be ace.”

 **Kitkat Keith:** .,alright

 **Sir Lancelot:** “It’s okay to be bi, and it’s okay to be pan (;3)”

 **Sir Lancelot:** the only thing it’s not okay to be,

 **Sir Lancelot:** _is a motherfucking asshole be nice to people okay_

 **Kitkat Keith:** LANCE OHMIGODS

 **Kitkat Keith:** LMAO IT’S BEAUTIFUL

 **Kitkat Keith:** I WASN’T EXPECTING THAT AT ALL IM DEAD

 **Sir Lancelot:** lmao *bows* thank you, thank you all

 **Kitkat Keith:** well if that was all, I, am going to study

 **Sir Lancelot:** since when do you need to study

 **Kitkat Keith:** since my boyfriend refused to leave my apartment until I physically kicked him out and stole the key back

 **Sir Lancelot:** I was wonderING where that went

 **Kitkat Keith:** you’ll get it back when you learn to stop acting like a doucheJ

 **Sir Lancelot:** so, never

 **Kitkat Keith:** precisely  <3

 **Sir Lancelot:** </3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COMMENT IF YOU KNOW WHAT BROADWAY MUSICAL I QUOTED IN THIS I WANNA SEE WHO ELSE IS A SHOW TUNES ADDICT TOO :3


	20. The One Where Hunk Has a Crush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pidgeotto: what even just happened
> 
> Space Dad: me and keith just witnessed our romantic partners make plans to leave us
> 
> Kitkat Keith has left the conversation.
> 
> Space Dad: AND NOW KEITH LEFT ME TOO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG I GOT REALLY BUSY OMG and this chapter is literally me taking my woes and projecting them onto Hunk please help me ;-; As always, thanks for reading!!! I sososo appreciate all of your comments and kudos, they just make my day!!! ALSO: hOLY SHIT I AM SOSOSOSOOO SORRY I JUST REALIZED THAT I HAVE CHAPTER 21 ALREADY WRITTEN I JUST NEVER EDITED/POSTED IT OMG MY POOR UNICORN POTATOES DO NOT FRET AN UPDATE SHALL BE UPON YOU SOON

**Group Chat >> Don’t Crush on Cute People **

**Hop Skip and a Hunk >> Sir Lancelot, Space Dad, Pidgeotto, Kitkat Keith, Manic Coranic, Memellura       **

 

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** gUYS

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** my entire week was just mADE

 **Pidgeotto:** what kind of dog was it

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** no dog, only the most precious human to ever exist on the face of planet earth

 **Sir Lancelot:** that's funny, because i haven't talked to you in a lil while, Hunk

 **Kitkat Keith:** you're more like the most annoying person to ever exist  <3

 **Memellura:** and the boyfriend strikes again

 **Sir Lancelot:** y'all suck :((

 **Space Dad:** so tell us more about your crush, Hunk

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** well

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** her name's Shay and she's tALLER THAN  M E

 **Sir Lancelot:** waitwaitwaitwAITWAIT ESPERE UN MINUTO

 **Sir Lancelot:** hunk, mi amigo, you're not crushing on SHAY are you? I mean, tall, hoop earrings, hopelessly kind, with the short hair????????

 **Kitkat Keith:** Mechanics class Shay?

 **Sir Lancelot:** the one and only

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** what the hECK you guys know her?!????!!

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** H O W

 **Pidgeotto:** are you guys talking about the girl that spends almost the entire class period checking out hunk while he's too focused on being a mechanic to notice

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** WHAT REALLY omg :O

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** is this even real life

 **Sir Lancelot:** or is this just fantasy

 **Pidgeotto:** caught in a landslide

 **Memellura:** nO ESCAPE FROM REALITY

 **Manic Coranic:** i actually charged my phone for once and now im highly regretting it

 **Kitkat Keith:** #noragrets

 **Manic Coranic:** AllTheRegret™

 **Space Dad:** why

 **Space Dad:** why do you insist on bringing this back what did i ever do to you

 **Pidgeotto:** We Don't Even Have A Patent For These Lines™

 **Space Dad:** #first of all #how dARE YOU 

 **Memellura:** "Keith, if i dont make it out of here, i want _you_ to lead voltron"™

 **Manic Coranic:** aka when shiro stayed up for seven days straight and couldn’t find his way out of the dorms

 **Pidgeotto:** aka the worst idea shiro has ever had (and I don’t mean staying up for seven days straight)

 **Space Dad:** This is BULLYING im tapping out *tap TAP*

 **Space Dad:** bYE

**Space Dad has left the conversation.**

**Sir Lancelot:** #takashi shirogane #ha #more like #takashi shiroGONE

 **Kitkat Keith:** lol i am literally the WORST person he could have chosen to lead our WIP lion mecha-robot

 **Sir Lancelot:** i can't disagree with you there, sweaty  <3

 **Pidgeotto:** TAKE THAT KEITH HAHA

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** well Shiro's gone, and keith is definitely not leader material, soo who's gonna lead voltron??????

 **Sir Lancelot:** honestly? I vote allura

 **Pidgeotto:** i second that

**Memellura has added Space Dad to the conversation.**

**Manic Coranic:** if u vote space mom for paladin president say "i"

 **Space Dad:** i

 **Sir Lancelot:** shiro no you're the opposing canidate

 **Kitkat Keith:** wait i thought i was the opposing canidate

 **Memellura:** it doesnt matter who's opposing me. i will beat their weak ass to the ground and i will WIN

 **Pidgeotto:** THE POWER'S GONE TO HER HEAD ABORT MISSION ABORT ABORT

**Pidgeotto has left the conversation.**

**Memellura:** rood

**Hop Skip and a Hunk has added Pidgeotto to the conversation.**

**Kitkat Keith:** she may be power hungry, but she's still a better leader than lance

 **Sir Lancelot:** that hit me right in the honey hut feelios ;-;

 **Pidgeotto:** Keith KOGANE SHUT YOUR EMO ASS MOUTH THE FUCK UP YOU HAVE NO ROOM TO SAY WHO’D BE A BAD LEADER MR. RECKLESS AND IMPULSIVE

 **Memellura:** the weak are already being weeded out do I even need a campaign

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** if things continue like this, we won’t even need to hold an election

 **Pidgeotto:** Voltron; The Rise of Allura’s Dictatorship

 **Memellura:** ooooooh I love it

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** u know what I love?

 **Sir Lancelot:** me

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** Shay  <3

 **Space Dad:** way to change the subject im so proud

 **Kitkat Keith:** #shut up and #get in the fucking lion shiro

 **Sir Lancelot:** I can set you up with Shay, hunk

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** W H A T

 **Pidgeotto:** lol yeah somehow lance and shay became mutuals and they exchanged numbers a while ago

 **Kitkat Keith:** she thinks his personality’s “cute like a puppy” lmao much

 **Sir Lancelot:** keith you egg We. Are. Literally. Dating.

 **Memellura:** lance if u ever need a break from your boyfriends bullying just whip out that ukulele and I am tHERE for you

 **Space Dad:** #offended

 **Sir Lancelot:** coffee date and live music from yours truly? Allura I will SO take you up on that offer

 **Kitkat Keith:** excuse u

 **Kitkat Keith:** no

 **Space Dad:** I second that

 **Memellura:** im free tomorrow after Astrophysics

 **Sir Lancelot:** ill pick u up at 3?

 **Memellura:** done.

 **Pidgeotto:** what even just happened

 **Space Dad:** me and keith just witnessed our romantic partners make plans to leave us

**Kitkat Keith has left the conversation.**

**Space Dad:** AND NOW KEITH LEFT ME TOO

 **Manic Coranic:** fuckin’ plot twist wowie

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** I JUST WANTED TO TALK ABOUT SHAY HOW DID THIS HAPPEN HOLY STEAMED TORTOLINI

**Hop Skip and a Hunk has left the conversation.**

**Sir Lancelot:** ah jeez

 **Memellura:** agreed.

 

 

\------------------------------

 

 

**Sir Lancelot >> Shay the Bae**

**Sir Lancelot:** HOOOOOOOO BOI

 **Shay the Bae:** lance?? I don’t understand that greeting??

 **Sir Lancelot:** my dear, my love, my preciously tall slice of a lady, do I have news for you

 **Shay the Bae:** haha yes tell me please

 **Sir Lancelot:** you, lucky lady, have won a date with a living cinnamon roll who goes by the name of Hunk

 **Shay the Bae:** WHAT

 **Shay the Bae:** LANCE

 **Sir Lancelot:** no need to thank me ;)

 **Shay the Bae:** :3

 **Shay the Bae:** you’re the best living shitpost I’ve ever met

 **Sir Lancelot:** I just teared up a bit :’)

 **Sir Lancelot:** he’s gonna be a nervous wreck so just be extra cute and pretend not to notice

 **Shay the Bae:** same though

 **Sir Lancelot:** yeet I gotta go buut I’ll text you the deets l8r byee

 **Shay the Bae:** THANK YOUUU

 

 

\------------------------------

 

 

**Group Chat >> I should be asleep but naah**

**Pidgeotto >> Hop Skip and a Hunk, Kitkat Keith, Sir Lancelot, Memellura, Space Dad, Manic Coranic**

 

 **Pidgeotto:** fun fact- “go hang a salami” backwards is “im a lasagna hog” and that pleases me

 **Manic Coranic:** pidge what the fuck

 **Kitkat Keith:** how did either of those sentences occur naturally for you to discover this

 **Sir Lancelot:** it is literally 1 in the morning go back to bed

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** easy for you to say

 **Pidgeotto:** what’s that supposed to mean???

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** I cant sLEEP

 **Manic Coranic:** ;)))))) too busy thinking about Shaaayyyyy???

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** YES

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** seriously tho having a crush is like having that little rock stuck in ur shoe and u stop walking and shake it out and ur pretty sure it’s gone but then half an hour l8r u feel it under ur toe and ur just like oH _NO_

 **Kitkat Keith:** accurate

 **Sir Lancelot:** that was a really intricate description you rEALLY cant sleep

 **Memellura:** well either you’ll get over it or you’ll start dating her

 **Manic Coranic:** I mean, just look at klance and shallura, they’re pretty happy

 **Space Dad:** lance and allura are literally going on a coffee date after classes tomorrow to complain about us

 **Pidgeotto:** *technically today

 **Space Dad:** IT’S NOT TODAY UNTIL I GET OUT OF BED AND I AM READY TO FACE MY PROBLEMS

 **Memellura:** shiro go back to sleep

 **Space Dad:** yes ma’am

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** yeah guys that’s cute n’ all but what about my problems

 **Kitkat Keith:** hunk wHAT problems

 **Sir Lancelot:** yeah man, the girl you like actually LIKES YOU BACK and your fave person in the whole wide universe SET YOU UP ON A DATE WITH HER

 **Manic Coranic** : I think we all need to go to bed at this point

 **Sir Lancelot:** I can’t keith wont let me back in the bed

 **Pidgeotto:** then come home

 **Memellura:** lance no it is 1 am do nOT be driving

 **Space Dad:** what are you two fighting about this time

 **Memellura:** SHIRO GODDAMNIT GO TO SLEEP

 **Space Dad:** YOU’RE NOT MY MOM

 **Sir Lancelot:** keith’s mad at me because I kept making fun of him

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** … for what

 **Sir Lancelot:** he keeps using common phrases incorrectly!!!

 **Kitkat Keith:** oh cry me a table, lance

 **Sir Lancelot:** THAT RIGHT THERE WHAT DOES THAT EVEN M E A N KEITH WHAT DOES IT MEAN

 **Kitkat Keith:** it means im going back to bed and you can sleep on the couch

 **Sir Lancleot:** ;-;

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** is this what I have to look forward to in a relationship because this is a mess

 **Pidgeotto:** #no thanks #please take it back

 **Kitkat Keith:** wait nevermind it’s cOLD in here come back

 **Sir Lancelot:** ;) mmkay

**Sir Lancelot has removed Kitkat Keith from the conversation.**

**Sir Lancelot:** hA keith doesn’t get cold, the boy’s a human space heater I wIN

 **Memellura:** that’s what you get to look forward to, hunk,

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** I could look forward to that x3

 **Pidgeotto:** *quietly chills out in the single corner*

 **Manic Coranic:** me too, pidge

 

 


	21. The One Where Lance Cheats on Space Zuko

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sir Lancelot: don't worry, my sour-patch keith, while im beating YOUR ass, you can take in the lovely view of MY ass ;)))
> 
> Kitkat Keith: lance your ass is flatter than a steamrolled pancake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I am SOSOSOSOSOOOO sorry that this is so late! Life has been kinda insane lately :// Thank you so much for reading, and please leave comments and kudos, because they really make my days just that much brighter. You're all wonderful, and I hope you enjoy this chapter! ALSO: Comment what your favourite part of the ENTIRE Fic is please! I would love to know what you guys think!

**Group Chat >> Keith is my bitch**

**Sir Lancelot >> Pidgeotto, Memellura, Space Dad, Manic Coranic, Hop Skip and a Hunk, Kitkat Keith**

 

 **Sir Lancelot:** GUESS WHO CONVINCED KEITH TO GO RUNNING WITH HIM

 **Sir Lancelot:** THIS GUY

 **Kitkat Keith:** *on the condition that he starts working out with me in the morning

 **Pidgeotto:** keith you're a dead man

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** yeah; lance was the track AND cross-country star all throughout high school

 **Sir Lancelot:** don't worry, my sour-patch keith, while im beating YOUR ass, you can take in the lovely view of MY ass ;)))

 **Kitkat Keith:** lance your ass is flatter than a steamrolled pancake

 **Sir Lancelot:** *le gasp* DAAAD KEITH IS HURTING MY HEA RT

 **Space Dad:** well maybe keith will stop hurting your heart if you stop hurting his ego

 **Memellura:** fUCKING SAVAGE OOOOO

 **Pidgeotto:** dAYUMN SPACE PADRE WHO KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YA

 **Kitkat Keith:** Gay™ feels Betrayed

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** wow

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** soo what's everybody up to

 **Memellura:** chillin with mah boo  <3

 **Space Dad:** das me :3

 **Pidgeotto:** oh, you know; Studying, watching Netflix, preparing for my inevitable descent into Hell and eventual draft into the Skeleton War, playing video games, working on my thesis

 **Manic Coranic:** uh, pidge, what was that middle one?

 **Pidgeotto:** watching netflix

 **Sir Lancelot:** nuh the OTHER middle one

 **Pidgeotto:** video games

 **Kitkat Keith:** ... well played, pidgeon, well played

 

 

 

 

 

**Memellura >> Sir Lancelot**

 

 **Memellura:** bonjour, mon petit coquin garçon  <3

 **Memellura:** I’m waiting at the south wing of the space maze

 **Sir Lancelot:** 1\. I gotchu  2. I’m not mischievous, I’m impish :D

 **Memellura:** you’re a child is what you are

 **Memellura:** and since when do you speak French?!?!

 **Sir Lancelot:** I don’t ;)

 **Sir Lancelot:** I’M HERE I’M QUEER AND I’M WAVING AT U FROM THE CAR

 **Memellura:** I SEE U

 **Sir Lancelot:** WHOOP WHOOP

 

 

 

 

 

**Group Chat >> Fuk this shit I’m out mmmhmmm**

**Pidgeotto >> Space Dad, Sir Lancelot, Kitkat Keith, Manic Coranic, Memellura, Hop Skip and a Hunk**

 

 **Pidgeotto:** haiku challenge go

 **Sir Lancelot:** Pidge what the fuck

 **Memellura:** me and lance are literally in the middle of our (lack of) coffee date how dare you interrupt our bonding time

 **Pidgeotto:** HAIKU CHALLENGE GO

 **Kitkat Keith:** My first name is keith. I’m not really a poet. and yet, here I am.

 **Space Dad:** I am not a dad. I have never been to space. Yet, I am space dad.

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** A lovely flower. Too pure for this messed up group. She is known as Shea.

 **Sir Lancelot:** what a whipped loser

 **Pidgeotto:** you’re one to talk, lover boy

 **Kitkat Keith:** you know you love me ;)

 **Memellura:** yall just wrote a group haiku look at u go

 **Memellura:** and he’s on a date with ME keith #fuck off my man

 **Space Dad:** aca-scuse you

 **Memellura:** Silver hair, dark skin. Princess Me for all the wins. I am fucking great.

 **Memellura:** lmao fight me peasants

 **Sir Lancelot:** mkay im gonna win

 **Sir Lancelot:** hmmmmmMMMMMMM

 **Sir Lancelot:** Error 404. Your haiku could not be found. Try again later.

 **Space Dad:** well, shit

 **Sir Lancelot:** hA I HAVE BEATEN YOU IN A GAME OF WITS AND THE GAME OF LOVE

 **Sir Lancelot:** LET’S G O SPACE DADDY-O

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** #kinky

 **Kitkat Keith:** W O W

 **Memellura:** oh shut your trap Space Zuko we all know you’ve said worse

 **Pidgeotto:** ANYwhoozies, jeez, now that we have our crowned haiku drama queen…

 **Pidgeotto:** how’s the not-a-date date going, Lancellura?  (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Memellura:** it’s going A-MAZING

 **Sir Lancelot:** Allura bribed me with coffee and cinnamon buns to sing/play for her and it drew a crowd and now im receiving tips

 **Memellura:** im taking 30 percent of all profits

 **Manic Coranic:** wait how are you performing and texting at the same time

 **Sir Lancelot:** taking a break

 **Pidgeotto:** CORAN

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** OUR MUSTACHE LORD AND SAVOIR CORAN THE GINGERSNAP KING HAS ARRIVED ALL HAIL

 **Space Dad:** allura it’s not a date if you’re making lance perform for money

 **Kitkat Keith:** yeah, that’s prostitution

 **Sir Lancelot:** Oh. My. God. Allura totally pimped me out!!!!! !!! ! ! ! ! ! !!!!!!!!! #bitchrude

 **Pidgeotto:** OH MY GO D MY INNOCEN T EYES DID NO T NEED TO READ ABOUT LANCE BEING PROSTITUT E D

 **Manic Coranic:** innocent my ass

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** srsly pidge your mind is dirtier than a baseball player’s lucky socks

 **Memellura:** ew

 **Memellura:** also, y’all can have this

**Memellura has sent a video.**

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** aaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

 **Sir Lancelot:** ALLURA WHAT THE HELL I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE  F I L M ING  ME

 **Pidgeotto:** oh my god lance is a fucking prince

 **Pidgeotto:** k but really, like the way that he danced with that little girl as he’s strummed his lil uke and sang the fuck out of “I love you too much”

 **Memellura:** I already posted it on youtube

 **Sir Lancelot:** you did wHAT NOW???!?!?!?!?

 **Kitkat Keith:** your million subscribers follow you for makeup and hair tutorials, not surprisingly good quality videos of my boyfriend making a toddler feel like a princess

 **Space Dad:** something tells me that her subscribers won’t mind

 **Sir Lancelot:** something tells me that I MIND

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** something tells me that this is gonna boost her follower count

 **Memellura:** bada-bingo

 **Sir Lancelot:** this is payback for my cheesy pick-up lines and finger guns isn’t it

 **Kitkat Keith:** karma, good sir, is quite the bitch

**Memellura has removed Sir Lancelot from the conversation.**

**Memellura:** lance needs to do less texting, and start prostituting himself so space mama can make dough ;)

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** DELETE THIS OMG ALLURA N O

 **Pidgeotto:** BLOCKED

 **Kitkat Keith:** UNFOLLOWED

 **Memellura:** YOU CAN’T UNFOLLOW ME THIS IS A GROUP CHAT @KEITH

**Space Dad has left the conversation.**

**Manic Coranic:** how have any of you survived through life like this

 **Memellura:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

 

 

 

 

**Group Chat >> idk ask Hermione**

**Sir Lancelot >> Kitkat Keith, Manic Coranic, Pidgeotto, Space Dad, Memellura, Hop Skip and a Hunk**

 

 **Sir Lancelot:** I have decided that I am harry potter

 **Space Dad:** …excuse me?

 **Sir Lancelot:** yeah! I’m harry potter, and pidge is Hermione, and keith is Ginny

 **Sir Lancelot:** and allura’s professor Mcgonagall!!!

 **Pidgeotto:** BWAHAHAHA

 **Memellura:** lance I prostituted you on our coffee date and this is how you repay me

 **Space Dad:** wait no allura can be snape or something I wanna be Mcgonagall

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** iM DEAD THIS IS GO L D

 **Kitkat Keith:** no way am I ginny

 **Kitkat Keith:** I am 5000% fleur delacour

 **Manic Coranic:** you’re too broody to be fleur

 **Kitkat Keith:** I am nOT broody excuse you

 **Memellura:** TAKASHI HECKING SHIROGANE

 **Memellura:** DID YOU JUST CALL ME S N A P E

 **Memellura:** FUCKING SEVERUS SNAPE

 **Space Dad:** uh oh

 **Manic Coranic:** you best abandon this life and pray that allura doesn’t find you in the next one

 **Sir Lancelot:** it was nice knowing ya

 **Space Dad:** bye

**Space Dad has left this conversation.**

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** allura we kinda like shiro so if you could only mutilate him a little bit I think that’d be okay

 **Memellura:** he’s a dead man walking

 **Kitkat Keith:** mmmh have fun with that

**Kitkat Keith has left this conversation.**

**Sir Lancelot:** great. Shiro’s dead, and keith’s left us to salvage his remains.

 **Pidgeotto:** I hope he left me his arm in his will

 

 

 

 

 

**Kitkat Keith >> Space Dad**

 

 **Kitkat Keith:** has allura murdered you yet for being a dumbass

 **Space Dad:** what makes you think that’s any of your business

 **Kitkat Keith:** a mix of boredom and general curiosity

 **Space Dad:** you really need a hobby

 **Kitkat Keith:** I have a hobby

 **Space Dad:** being sad isn’t a hobby

 **Kitkat Keith:** oh har-dee har har -.-

 **Space Dad:** how ‘bout a fencing class

 **Space Dad:** or gymnastics

 **Kitkat Keith:** I’m not gonna go into fucking gymnastics

 **Space Dad:** why not?

 **Space Dad:** I don’t think we’d hear lance complaining ;)

 **Kitkat Keith:** FUCKING HELL SHIRO

 **Space Dad:** language

 **Kitkat Keith:** FUCKING HECK

 **Kitkat Keith:** I, am fine. Life, is good. Go nose yourself into hunk’s upcoming date or something

 **Space Dad:** ohmygosh he might need GUIDANCE

 **Space Dad:** MY DESTINY, MY LIFE-SWORN DUTY CALLS ME, KEITH! I MUST AID HUNK IN HIS ROMANTIC ENDEAVORS! TOODLEOO

 **Kitkat Keith:** shiro NO

 **Space Dad:** shiro YES

 **Kitkat Keith:** THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT LEAVE HUNK ALONE

 **Space Dad:** TOO LATE YOU SAID IT AND THAT’S HOW I RECEIVED IT

 **Space Dad:** ttyl I’m off to fulfill my duty of substitute parentä

 **Kitkat Keith:** why are you like this

 

 

 

 

 

**Group Chat >> what’s the Cuban national anthem**

**Memellura >> Sir Lancelot, Space Dad, Pidgeotto, Hop Skip and a Hunk, Manic Coranic, Kitkat Keith**

 

 **Memellura:** guys im shopping for new febreeze and there’s one that smells like fireball

 **Memellura:** I bought it

 **Kitkat Keith:** yeah I think non-alcoholics call that cinnamon

 **Sir Lancelot:** MY MOM JUST SENT ME A PHOTO OF ME AND MY OLD EASY-BAKE OVEN FROM WHEN I WAS SIX

 **Sir Lancelot:** whenurborntobefabulous.jpg

 **Sir Lancelot:** honestly why did I even have to come out of the closet

 **Pidgeotto:** are you wearing cheetah print sunglasses in that photo

 **Kitkat Keith:** I think he is ohmygod

 **Memellura:** lance if I buy u a pair of new cheetah print sunglasses will you wear them

 **Sir Lancelot:** YOU BET YOUR ASS I WILL

 **Memellura:** fuck yeah

 **Space Dad:** my lasagna is extra crisp

 **Kitkat Keith:** … what

 **Sir Lancelot:** what an intriguing subject change

 **Space Dad:** I BURNT MY LASAGNA

 **Space Dad:** hunk how do I save it

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** tobasco sauce

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** and tomato sauce

 **Pidgeotto:** do not worry, celestial father, your lasagna will be safe and delicious, thanks to the advice of the SWAG DIGGITY SUSTENANCE MAN

 **Manic Coranic:** hunk your superhero name is incredible

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** I didn’t even know I had a superhero name

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** do I have a fanbase

 **Sir Lancelot:** I’m actually the president of your fanclub

 **Pidgeotto:** I’m the secretary

 **Sir Lancelot:** and obviously, Shay’s the VP ;3

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** STOP IT IM BLUSHING

 **Pidgeotto:** I am currently sitting across from Swag Diggity Sustenance Man and I can confirm that he is, indeed, tomato red

**Hop Skip and a Hunk has left the conversation.**

**Sir Lancelot:** nnNNOOOOOO COME BACK YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVEDDD AND APPRECIATED

 **Manic Coranic:** I WANT TO BE LOVED AND APPRECIATED

 **Memellura:** CONSIDER IT DONE

 **Space Dad:** I saved my lasagna!!!! !!! ! what did I miss

 **Kitkat Keith:** I don’t even know anymore

 

 

 

 

 

**Hop Skip and a Hunk >> Sir Lancelot**

**Hop Skip and a Hunk:** have you talked to shay lately

 **Sir Lancelot:** hells yea I have

 **Sir Lancelot:** you two have a lovely sun-lit picnic set up for Friday afternoon

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** a picnic???

 **Sir Lancelot:** yep! You can use ur magic food skills and woo the girl

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** aaaAAAaaaAaAaAHhhhhh okaaay

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** are you sure she likes me tho because what if she doesn’t and what if she laughs in my face

 **Sir Lancelot:** BUDDY

 **Sir Lancelot:** calm down

 **Sir Lancelot:** u got this!! ! !!! I have 5000000% faith in you. #Team Leg Day?

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** … more like team mysterious leg bruise

 **Hop Skip and a Hunk:** but yeah, #Team Leg Day

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! If you're enjoying my fic, please comment your favourite part! I'm dying to know ;)

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys so if you're enjoying this I would really appreciate it if you left kudos and comments because they just make my day thank you much ily


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